Robbie.com

Just For Men

The following is 100% true. I know what you are thinking, there is NO WAY it’s true, but i swear. Each and every last detail is true. And that is why…I can even write this blog.

Robbie gets better and better with time like a vintage wine, or mid-century furniture. Robbie called me frantically. Seven times in a 20 minute span. I decide to pick up because I had a hunch something was up. Luckily for all of you, I did.
“Darcy. Thank gd you answered. I need a favor.”
“What?”
“(Insert name of massive dating site here) is interviewing me via Skype next week to put me in one of their commercials. I need you to Skype with me and tell me if I look good and what I need to do. Like if I need to dye my hair, go tanning, whatever.”
huh?
“Dye your hair?” I finally got the words out.
“Yea. Whatever.”
Silence.
Folks, this could be the new spokesperson for a particular dating site. Use it with caution.
“Okay.” I said. Because wouldn’t you?
A few minutes later Robbie called me on Gmail video chat. He asked how he looked. I said he looked good but he could use a bit of eyeliner.
“Eyeliner?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“To give your eyes some definition so they don’t look so washed out.”
“Really? So just eyeliner?”
Oh boy.

Robbie tells me he has the perfect answers prepared for his interview. I told him I would play interviewer. Code for , “this is such good material I need it to go on forever.”
“Why do you like internet dating?” I asked, pretending to be the interviewer. The interviewer oblivious to the fact that they were allowing a complete crazy person to represent their public company. Although I was officially crazy too, as I was role-playing with Robbie on GChat.
“Being a doctor,” He begins, “I have limited time to meet people. This allows me to work crazy hours, and still meet interesting people.”
Wow. He was prepared. He sounded so normal I kind of wanted to date him. But the crazy cloud lifted.
“So, we done here?” I asked, rushing him off of the video chat before Bear could enter my bedroom.
“I also want to add to my answer, that I wouldn’t have to do internet dating if the girl I loved, Darcy, would just marry me.”
“I’d leave that part out. It shows the…you know,” as I motioned the international symbol for crazy with a finger pointing and twirling to the side of my head.
I said goodbye and clicked off the chat.
The days following were filled with emails, texts and phone calls filled with questions like “What color shirt should I wear?” “Do I need a tan?” And other questions that made me wonder how I ever got to this place. The one where I wonder if I am actually more insane than Robbie since I continue to let this go on.

The next night I was lying in bed, so utterly exhausted I actually thought I saw a unicorn gallop by out of the corner of my eye. I see an unknown number on my phone and decide to answer. Obviously a mistake.
“Hello?”
“Darcy, it’s important. I just texted you a picture. I dyed my hair. Can you look at the picture and tell me how it looks? I did it myself. Out of a box.”
I could only sit with my mouth half-open. Too exhausted to speak but dying to see what Robbie looked like with a home hair dye job.
“Why? What color? What the fuck?”
“Just look. Tell me if it’s too dark. If it is can I bleach it.”
“Bleach it? What?”
“Yea, whatever.”
“Do you even know what ‘bleach it’ means?”
“Of course I know. I just want to know if the color looks good.”
“Just…just stop.”
I look at my phone to find the picture. It is Robbie, in the hospital, wearing scrubs. Taking a picture of himself in what appeared to be some type of doctor locker room you only get to see on Grey’s Anatomy. Or, if you are an actual doctor. Or, apparently, if you have a doctor stalking you.
“Did you…did you dye your hair in the hospital?”
“No. How does it look.”
“I don’t understand.”
“What don’t you understand? How does it look?”
“I just can’t even answer, because I just don’t understand.”

Catch up on everyone’s favorite character, Robbie: See, A Diamond is Forever, And So is Robbie,  The Robbie Report, June 23, 2010Meet Robbie’s Family, My Date With Robbie, Robbie Reunion, He’s Baaack,August 6, 2010, Channeling Demi July 6, 2010,, Real Phone Calls From Real Men, June 14, 2010, Real Texts From Real Men May 27, 2010, and Real Voice Mail From Real Men, June 1, 2010 A Visit From Robbie, Robbie On Housekeeping, Hey Jealousy,

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