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Friendly Reminder

April 26, 2012

Hi all! Just a friendly reminder that you need to sign up separately to receive updates from Jena Kingsley if you want them e-mailed to you! Don’t miss out! There is a place on the home page to enter your email on the upper right hand side. New entries are up! For those of you who already have, THANK YOU!!!!


The End

April 19, 2012

I started writing Darcy Dates nearly two years ago. It was born in my bed on my laptop one evening after I had my fill of experiences and wanted to start documenting them. It started as something I did for myself. I shared it with five friends, who shared it with their friends, and so on, and so forth…until I had real readers. Who were strangers. I couldn’t have been more honored.  To write publicly is to really put yourself out there and I couldn’t have been more thrilled that people actually liked what I was writing. But I wasn’t completely putting myself out there. After all, I was writing under a pen name. Darcy, some of you will be surprised to know, is not my real name.

When I started writing Darcy, no one knew I was Darcy, but over time some people began to catch on so what I wanted to write about became harder and harder to do.

What I did realize through writing Darcy was while I thought I was trying to find love, in the process, I was really finding myself. In the time since I have began writing Darcy I have broken some hearts, and some have broken mine. I have learned what I want in a partner, and I have learned what I definitely don’t want. It’s a process. While often exhilarating, it’s sometimes exhausting.

When I lost my father I learned many important lessons. But one of the most important things I learned is it’s not what you have, it’s who you have by your side. Through this process my friends, my family, and my number one man, my son have been my rock. They have been my everything. I was one of the lucky ones because I had love with me all along. Real, true unconditional love.

I have a ton of stories I have written for Darcy Dates that I haven’t published. That is mainly because I don’t feel the freedom to write what I want like I did when this project first began. And without me being able to be me and write what I truly want to write it won’t be as authentic as it always was. For that reason I have decided to no longer write about my dates. Fear not, as I will continue writing. I will write about other things. Life, daily observations, experiences, my mother and of course Robbie (because how could I not). But not my dates. You can find my new stories at my new site, The Darcy Report. You can also follow my blog on Huffington Post Comedy. I promise to keep you entertained, or at least I promise to try.

Thank you so much for your support over these past two years. I can’t have asked for a better group of readers and I am so honored when each of you shared it, liked it, wrote me, commented and shared your stories with me. I hope you continue to do the same when I am writing about other things.

So…I know what you are all thinking. Where does the story of Darcy Dates end?

My first love after my divorce was Colby. Some of you may remember me writing about him in Yankees vs. Red Sox & Having What It Takes. Colby and I were in love. Real love. He was my best friend and everything I wanted in a partner. To me he was perfect. They say timing is everything, and that may be true. Colby and I met when we were each newly divorced. We were just learning the ropes of single parenthood. Colby broke up with me suddenly and unexpectedly after a year of dating. He broke my heart into 4000 tiny pieces. I thought I would never recover. Three months later he came back. He said he needed to make sure this was what he wanted, after all he was so newly divorced. But it was too late. He had hurt me too badly and I thought it would never be the same. So I broke his and started dating someone else. He waited. He tried patiently for over a year. I don’t think he even dated. He just waited. We would get together, and I would try, but I was worried it was too broken and couldn’t be fixed. Even though I loved him and thought he was everything. No matter what we were doing, through the years we would always find our way back to each other. He would drop everything when I would call. This went on for 4 years.

The truth is, I wasn’t ready. I had to go on this journey and find myself and find out what I was looking for and what I needed and what I wanted. Through this process, I have. I started to really question what it is I wanted and what it was I was searching for. I learned that all relationships are different. There are even different types of love. Some people feel like a home. And others…they feel like a tent. I started to think about Colby. Colby felt like home. I started to think about what we had. I started to think about what an idiot I was. He was one of the best guys I knew. I started to lose sleep over it. I started to think about it obsessively. I reached out to him several times over the past few months but he refused to speak to me. And I didn’t blame him. I had hurt him. The same way he had hurt me. I finally decided to write him a letter. I put my entire heart in there and waited. But once again our timing wasn’t right. Colby informed me he had a girlfriend. I asked if he wanted me to leave him alone. To just say the word and I would. He said yes. Being that this whole thing was my fault, and given the level of respect I have for Colby, I did. I knew it was my own fault. You see, ten months ago, after spending a great few days with Colby I told him I couldn’t be with him. Why? Because I knew being with Colby meant forever. And that scared the living shit out of me. I have very few regrets, but this was one of them.

I didn’t hear from Colby for two months. A week ago, after dropping Bear off at school, I was turning the corner into my building when I heard someone call out.
I turned to find Colby. All 6’4″ of him standing there. He had been waiting for me. He was wearing a Patriots hat, but I will let it slide. Mainly because the Giants keep beating them in the super bowl.
“What are you doing here?”
“I knew you’d be dropping Bear off at school this morning so I waited for you to get home.”
“Why?” I asked.
“I want to talk about that letter.”

One of my favorite quotes by Orsen Welles is “If you want a happy ending, that depends of course on where you stop your story.”
I choose to stop the story Darcy Dates here. You, my friends, can write your own ending. What do you think happened with me and Colby?

See you at The Darcy Report

Love and light.

All my love,

Jena (AKA Darcy)

P.s.- If you are signed up to follow Darcy Dates, you will have to sign up separately to follow the Darcy Report.

Robbie Gets Cocky

April 4, 2012

“Do you know that I have given a UTI to every girl I have dated?”
“Um…no. I actually did not know that.”
“It’s cause I have a such a powerful penis.”
“Want me to give you a UTI?”
“No. I’m good.”

At least he has a new angle. Promising things like infections and discomfort. Come to think of it, he’s like an infection. That you just can’t get rid of. Oh Robbie. We love you.

(See: Channeling Demi, Robbie Reunion, The Robbie Report, He’s Baaack, My Date With Robbie,, Hey Jealousy, A Visit From Robbie  , A Diamond is Forever and So Is Robbie,  Advice From My Doorman, Robbie On Housekeeping, Real Calls From Real Men Meet Robbie’s Family.)

Have you “liked” Darcy Dates on Facebook? If not please join the Darcy Dates Facebook page!

The Pimp Award

March 12, 2012

The Pimp Award image via: hiphipwholesale

I was sitting with my date one evening and I had quickly decided the only redeeming factor that it was a few blocks from my house at a place I had always wanted to try. He was handsome in a not-my-type kind of way.  I wondered how long I would have to stay without it being considered rude. He spent the first 20 minutes lecturing me about tax reform. I spent the first 20 minutes playing jax in my head. I am sure he meant well, but he was a bit rigid, and at some point told me my child must be spoiled because he goes to private school.
“Not to judge your parenting.”
“Of course not.”
I hate you.

When the waiter approached, and asked if we wanted another glass of wine I looked at my date, hoping he too wasn’t enjoying our date and he would say no. But no such luck. He suggested another round.
“Would you like some food? Are you hungry?” My date said, offering me the menu.
Maybe a bowl of soup. If you promise to drown me in it. You know, just hold my face in there. Until I stop breathing.
“No. I’m good. Thanks.”

When our second glass of wine arrived I looked up only to make eye contact with the most handsome man. He was on the other end of the restaurant. We locked eyes, and both smiled at the same time. The entire restaurant fell away and that was all I could see. But I was trapped on terror island with my date. There had to be a way to slip said handsome stranger my number. After all, people have done it to me. But how? The restaurant was tiny. There was no way. Except…one.

“I’ll be right back. I just need to use the bathroom.” I said, slipping off the bar stool and walking into the bathroom. When I got up, handsome stranger smiled at me again. My date wasn’t looking. So I smiled back.

When I got into the bathroom I quickly texted Alexis:
“Hi! Help! I am at (insert name of restaurant here) Please call the restaurant and ask to speak to the hot guy with dark hair and a black sweater who is sitting by the door with another man who is wearing a plaid shirt. Tell him your best friend is on a terrible date and give him my number. He will know who it is.”
I hit send, prayed for the best and walked out of the bathroom, back to my date.

Not two minutes later the phone on the bar lit up. I saw the bartender speaking and passed the cordless to the waitress. Her eyes grew wide, she looked around the room. I saw a lot of commotion and whispering among the manager and staff. The waitress began to walk aimlessly around the restaurant with the cordless phone.

THAT’S MY GIRL! It could have been the most genius idea I have ever had. Well, at least my most genius idea that week. I couldn’t follow the events that were unfolding as I had to follow the conversation that was going on on my actual date.
“And anyway that’s why McCain had to go with Palin as a running mate.” He said.
“Right. Of course.”

Now the entire restaurant staff was in on it. Yes, this is a terrible story, and makes me a very bad date. I realize. But I was on a bad date, so don’t I get some type of pass here?

I watched the waitress approach said stranger with the cordless phone. I see said stranger and the waitress talking. He looks up at me and smiles. He takes the phone. This was AMAZING. I watched him on the phone. I don’t know what they were talking about, but they talked for a couple of minutes. I knew Alexis was getting the whole scoop for me. His friend kept turning and looking at me. So did the table next to them. We were all smiling. My poor date had zero idea this was unfolding.
Until he said, “Those guys keep checking you out.”
“Which guys?” I said, acting completely unaware.
“Those guys. Over there.” He motioned in their direction.
Oh, that guy? You mean my next date? Oh. Yeah. Him. He’s cute isn’t he?
“I didn’t see.” Ugh, I may have been going to hell, but it was so worth it.
I get another text from Alexis.
“His name is Matias. He is from Argentina. He is going to call you.”

Finally, I was brave enough to end my date. I couldn’t really take it for another minute.
“Well, we should get going.”
“Really? Oh-”
I was kind of abrupt.
I walked him out of the restaurant and to the subway on the corner.
“It was really great meeting you.” I said and gave him a one arm hug. You know the kind. Where you add an insincere pat?
“You too.”
In the spirit of full disclosure. I may have pushed him down the stairs to get him out of there faster.
When the coast was clear and my date was safely underground, I snuck back to the restaurant. Who am I?

“Hi!” I said to the Argentinian duo who was now waiting for me at the bar. “I’m Darcy.”
“I know.” He said with a thick accent. He was even more handsome up close.
After some small chat I asked how old he was.
Wow. That was really young. I wasn’t expecting that. It’s as though I actually reached into a cradle and pulled him out.
“I’m 36. And a mom. And too old for you.”
“You are perfect.”
It was good enough for him, and apparently tonight, good enough for me.

Matias ordered a bottle of red wine and we talked for hours. He he was sitting so close he would whisper in my ear as we spoke. And I liked it.
One of the waiters came up and whispered to me.
“You know, we have all decided you get the pimp award. We have never seen such a smooth move.”
The bartender gave me a knuckle punch. “Excellent job girl.”
I smiled. I imagined accepting my pimp award. I would like to thank Alexis, for helping make this possible. I would say as I accepted the golden cane, or was it a pimp cup? Whatever it is that pimps carry.

When we were done with our wine, we walked out into the cold night air. He held my hand. Or maybe I held his, because he was a child. And I wanted him to be careful crossing the street. We walked, we talked. I practiced my Spanish. He was polite and told me it was good. He walked me all the way to my block. He kissed me. It was the kind of kiss you want. The kind where you melt into each other and your knees get weak. I was happy.
“Do you want to come up to my apartment for a drink?” He asked.
I looked into his dark eyes. He was so handsome, unbelievably sexy…but I didn’t need to go home with him. He was a stranger. A very young one.

Matias asked me to dinner the following night. I didn’t accept. I realized, I didn’t need Matias. What I needed more was the lesson. The lesson that at any moment you can feel a spark with someone. When you least expect it. Even when you are on a bad date. With someone else.

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A Valentines Day Poem

February 13, 2012

Love…is actually all around us.

Ladies! I know what you are thinking. You are at a loss. You are stumped on what to write your loved one on his Valentines Day card! Well, I just may have a solution. After a bit of brainstorming, here’s what I came up with:

** “Roses are red, violets are blue, I love my vagina…and so do you!”

Catchy, no? Feel free to take it and make it your own. If you are a guy, I really can’t help you today. You are just going to have to speak from the heart.

**Sorry mom.

Have you “liked” Darcy Dates on Facebook? If not please join the Darcy Dates Facebook page! And don’t forget to follow Darcy on Twitter @darcydates

Eleven Missed Calls

February 8, 2012

Eleven missed calls can only mean one person...

The other day I logged onto Facebook to see a guy I dated post divorce just had a baby. He had 3 kids from his first marriage. This was his fourth. Way to hog all the children, I think to myself right before writing “Congratulations!” underneath the picture. The truth is I was happy for him. Afterall, I didn’t want to date him. But I was happy someone else did. He was super nice, super funny…but just not for me.

This is not the first person I have dated post divorce who went on to get married and have children. In fact, several people I have gone on dates with have gone on to get married. At the time, they had told me they were looking for that. I was honest when I told them I just wasn’t sure.

I would be lying if I said seeing the men I have dated, and passed on, go on to get married and have more children didn’t register on some level. I am the first to admit I don’t necessarily pick the right men to fall for (See: Mr. Wrong Right Now). Although I am getting better. Kind of?

But there was one man. One man in particular that really threw me. Are you ready? Because I was not. Yup. Robbie. Even Robbie…had a girlfriend. A real one. His facebook relationship status is now set to “In a relationship with” and has the girls actual name. Which means she agreed to the relationship and went as far as confirming it on Facebook, which as you know gives it major credibility.  He had been telling me he had a girlfriend for quite some time, but I didn’t believe him. Afterall, how could it possibly be true. I thought it was a woman he paid, or locked in his basement. Maybe he was referring to his mother. (See: Meet Robbie’s Family). But the other day when I was on Facebook a picture of Robbie came up in my newsfeed. A picture of him…and his girlfriend. For the first time ever I was curious about Robbie’s life and clicked onto his actual page. There it was. Robbie was listed as being in a relationship with said girl. I…was speechless. I hadn’t been hearing from him at all. Well I had. I would see his name come up on my caller ID from time to time. But it would only happen once, I wouldn’t answer. And then he would vanish. This isn’t the Robbie we all knew. Who called me upwards of 9 times a day for a year and a half.

About a month ago he called me and I decided to answer it. I told him I was really proud of him for being in a relationship with a girl that looked, at least from the outside, completely normal. Pretty even. He told me he loved her and she was the best. I was shocked, but proud. Slightly confused, but proud.
“I make love to her Darcy.”
“That’s. Awesome.”
“She wants to marry me and have babies with me. I don’t know what to do.”
“Do it! You are a man now (huh?), and you seem to love her. And she loves you too.”
“I don’t know. I do make hot, sweet love to her.” (I will spare you the details of what he really said)
“That’s great. I am very happy for you.”
“You want be in a threesome with us?”
“A threesome? You want in? Cause i’d like to make hot sweet love to you too.”
“No. I’m good. Thanks.”

He hung up on me, angry as always. He didn’t resurface for at least a week. Checking in, of course, to see whether or not I wanted to have a threesome. He even offered up “making sweet love” to just him.
“But don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“Fine. Goodbye.”

The calls grew more frequent. And, I can’t even believe I am going to admit this, but when I was very sick…I…called Robbie…(oh gd. Hanging my head in shame.) for medical advice. There. I said it. I know. Yikes. He was surprisingly sweet and sensitive. Checking on me regularly. Telling me that if I wanted to get better I needed to drink mass amounts of Gatorade…and masturbate. I know, I know. My own fault for asking him.

The other night I was in bed and I looked at my phone. I had eleven missed calls. That could only mean one thing. Yep. I was right. Robbie. Feeling exceptionally bored, Bear was asleep and there was nothing on TV as all my regular run of the mill trashy shows were on winter break, I called him back.
“I’m bored with fucking my girlfriend.” He said as he answered the phone.
“No. No. Don’t say that.”
“I am. I gotta fuck Darcy. Lots of women.”
“You listen to me. You somehow found a very attractive girl and tricked her into thinking you are sane. You be good to her. You understand?”
“I can’t. I can’t be with her anymore.”
“I just can’t. I need to be with tons of women.”
“But tons of women don’t want to be with you.”
“Darcy. I can’t. I don’t think we are sexually compatible. She doesn’t like the things I like in bed.”
Oh boy. He started to go into details of what that meant. I wanted to mute the phone, but it wouldn’t help me much, cause I would still be able to hear him.
“Robbie. Please. Trust me. You found a good girl. Who you care about. I think. Please hang in there. Maybe it will pass.”
“Do you want to date me?”
And just like that, he hung up on me. As always. But don’t worry. He called back.

If you aren’t familiar with Robbie, you MUST catch up! He is everyone’s favorite character! (See: Channeling Demi, Robbie Reunion, The Robbie Report, He’s Baaack, My Date With Robbie,, Hey Jealousy, A Visit From Robbie  , A Diamond is Forever and So Is Robbie,  Advice From My Doorman, Robbie On Housekeeping, Real Calls From Real Men Meet Robbie’s Family.)

Have you “liked” Darcy Dates on Facebook? If not please join the Darcy Dates Facebook page! And don’t forget to follow Darcy on Twitter @darcydates

February 1, 2012

This is an original Darcy and one of my favorites!

Darcy Dates

Dating in a world with so many mediums is tough. If you have seen the movie He’s Just Not That Into You , you will remember the scene when Drew Barrymore is explaining that there are so many complicated ways to figure out if you are getting dissed; you have to check your email, your texts, your voicemail, your Facebook, your twitter…and it’s true. In a world with so many new and exciting ways to keep in touch, comes major trouble for dating.

Let’s look at the facts. You meet a great guy. He sends you a Facebook friend request. You look at his pictures. He’s cute! You realize you have friends in common. He can’t be that bad! He is randomly friends with your best friend from 3rd grade. He has to be a good guy. She was nice. She let you play with her cabbage…

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