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Real Texts From Real Men

May 4, 2010

These are actual texts from real men.

Remember Andre? Andre, by the way, holds two advanced degrees. He plays in a basketball game on occasion with friends I introduced him to. My friend sent Andre a text inviting him to play in a Sunday night game. Andre responded:
“No can do, I am headed to Brooklyn tonight to see BJork. Chicks dig Bjork and I like to F**k chicks.”
“Good luck with the sex”, My friend replied, than called me immediately to ask what the hell was wrong with this guy.
Andre, apparently, also holds an advanced degree in being an idiot. Not that we didn’t already know that. (see: Can You Be Friends After a De-Friend, April 30, 2010)

One CFO of a very very large company asked me out for Thursday night. I said I could not go as I had a fundraiser to attend. This is his actual response. Not doctored in any way. Swear on my Blackberry:
“Can I please come to this fundraiser? I want to put my d**k in a puff pastry and lay in on a platter and than serve it to Muffy Jane Dusty C**t and see if she ups her donation. It’s for the kids.”
I am speechless, which is rare.
Who is this Muffy he speaks of? This is wooing? How does one even concoct such a text or idea for that matter? WTF??? This is how he asks me on a 3rd date?
I tell him I am horrified, which takes a lot.
“Does this mean I don’t get a 3rd date?” He asks.
Note to self, stay away from the pigs in a blanket.

Very big lawyer sends me a text that he is out with an old friend playing “Buck Hunter” (video game involving shooting and hunting down bucks- I explain because why would anyone ever know that) He invites me to come along:
“I just shot and killed three bucks. I called them all Darcy.”
“Um…Hmmm” I respond
“Are you scared?” He asks
“A little?” I say
“You should be. I’m a mighty buck hunter!”

**See (“As Long As You Are Happy”, May 3, 2010) about how I am becoming a lesbian.

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