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He Will Boil Your Bunny

May 5, 2010

What is it with these needy men? Is this a new thing? Was it always this way? Are men becoming women because of Oprah and Dr. Phil? Isn’t it supposed to be the women that are needy? And the books! There are a gazillion books on dating that state women should be elusive, bitchy even.

The one common theme is basically to never ever under any circumstances contact a man or show the slightest bit of interest. EVEN after you are married. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF BEING AVAILABLE EVEN AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED, they claim. WTF? “I’m sorry I can’t be home Saturday night with you and the kids. I have plans. With who? Oh, that’s not important.” That would go over swell.

These books are insane and I am concerned people might actually listen. There are some different schools of thought in this book genre. Some will tell you to basically wait in silence in a closet somewhere until the man you are involved with comes looking for you…when he feels like it. He may or may not have some sort of animal he just hunted hanging over his right shoulder. In the meantime you should be taking up hobbies like knitting in a group of local women, you should be taking up some type of meditation, maybe have a spa treatment. You should be volunteering with charities (the proverbial “they” are very into recommending charity work to single people (See Supermarket Aisles and Charity Work, April 30, 2010).

I picture soup kitchens and clothing drives to be filled with single people walking around aimlessly. Does anyone else do charity work? Or does everyone go by their match or Jdate moniker as they offer up another serving of potatoes?
“MustLoveDogs, can you hand me that stack of plates?”
“Sure JewCan’tTouchThis, right after I stir the gravy.”
“ShabbatShiksa can you help you help me fold these sweaters that we just received?”
“Sure Hot2Trot, right after I fax this press release. By the way, I’m willing to convert.” But, I digress.

These books will tell you to let them go into their caves, men are like rubber bands, and so on and so forth until ultimately they are actually living on Mars and you on Venus and you never get to see each other because the commute is way too long. I like to call it locationally undesirable dating.

Then there are the aggressive books like “Why Men Love Bitches”. They will tell you not to call a man back, leave your laundry at his door with a mere note telling him to do it and then tell you to set his house on fire, kick him in the face, and when he is left bleeding on the floor with no house and a bloody face and as he is calling for help, lean in close and give him the finger. It is only then that he will love you, and maybe even put a ring on it.

Let me tell you what I have learned in the modern dating world: If they are into you, they will need you. If they like you they will actually stalk you. The guy who wrote “He’s just not that into you” has a point. If he ain’t callin’ he doesn’t like you. Because if he does like you the WILL hunt you down (see: Real Texts From Real Men, May 4th, 2010- Specifically Buck Hunter text)

If you don’t call them back they will send a follow up text, possibly a piece of certified mail requiring you to sign for it. They will call again. They will then send another follow up text confirming you received their voicemail, they will have their lawyer subpoena you for a mere response of whether or not you want to be in a relationship. Just when you think you have blown them off and they should be getting the point and you haven’t spoken in two weeks you will receive an email:
“Are we going to go out again or are you moving on?”

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??? I thought the women do this and it was completely against “The Rules”. I thought it was horrifying and you are never, EVER, under any circumstances whatsoever, to show you actually LIKE them. I thought it was the women want commitment. Guess what folks. It’s the men. I have gotten bitched out by guys for my disinterest in something more than a casual date or two. Between the invites to meet the parents, to the “who are you texting?” to the “who did you have dinner with?” to the “why can’t you see me more than once a week”, sometimes I feel like I am actually hearing “Now? Now? What about now? Do you want a relationship now? Now? How about now? Are we exclusive now? Now? Maybe now? Are you ready now? Can we go out again now? now? now can we? nooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww?” That’s what I hear. And when I do I shut down. Wait a second? Am I becoming a man? Are all the hormones in the non-organic processed food I eat making me a man? This is not good. Note to self: Check if you are becoming a man. Kidding. Kind of.

To be completely honest, I like a man that is not afraid to tell you he likes you. I like a man who emails the next morning and says “That date was incredible and I can’t wait to do it again ASAP” and then actually puts a date on the calender. I like hearing that he is interested and not having to “wait it out and see.” Life is too short for games, for waiting, for rules. Live life for today, as you never know what tomorrow brings. If you like someone, tell them. If they don’t call you back, leave them alone.

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