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Jonathan, 47, Really Had A Girlfriend

May 18, 2010


It’s springtime in New York City. The weather goes from hot to cold within an hour, manicures turn from Chinchilly to Lilacism, allergies are at their peak, and so are benefit galas. May is that time of year when every benefit for every charity you ever had any involvement in schedules their biggest gala. Just when you think you can’t eat another mini-slider, or chicken skewer, you best find it in your heart to make room for one more, as it’s the season for good deeds and passed hors d’oeuvres.

My best friend Alexis is like my Oprah. By “my Oprah” I mean, I am her Gayle. And by that I mean I am constantly the third wheel to her and her husband, who we will call Stedman. Me, Oprah and Stedman head to one of these fêtes together. By the time we arrive, all three of us are in a marital fight. It’s him against us. We are close enough that Stedman fights with me as though I am his spouse. I love him, but I am always happy he is going home with Oprah at the end of each night.

So, remember Jonathan, 40, is really 47? (See Jonathan, 40, Is Really 47, May 1, 2010). He was there. I saw him from across the room and grabbed my Oprah.
“That’s him! That’s Jonathan! My gay boyfriend!” I squeal. I am ecstatic she can finally put a face with the name.
As she turns to get a good look, he sees me. We are quite far away from each other. Close enough that you must wave and acknowledge one another, far enough that you don’t have to actually talk. We make eye contact, even though he appears to be…hiding? As I am about to lift my hand to wave, he has already waved and turned away. All done in under 2.5 seconds. It was an awkward gesture where he dismissively waved his glass at me. I don’t even think it was coupled with a smile. In fact, it could have been the most non-wave wave I have ever received. Alexis and I turn to each other with our mouths agape. 
“That’s it??” She says, “Don’t you think you two were further along than a simple toodaloo?”
“YES!!” I said. Afterall, he had told me he wanted to have children with me and told my mother he hoped she’d be his mother-in-law someday. This seemed like under-reaction from my almost spouse to be!
We laugh hysterically. She tells me he actually looked like he threw up in his mouth for a second when he saw me. That’s why I love her. This is what best friends are for.

Well it didn’t take long to figure out why his reaction was what it was. Before you know it, Roberta (remember the one he was involved with when I met him. The girlfriend I didn’t know he had) comes strolling up behind him. My best friend comments that she is an older version of me. Twelve years older to be exact.

Now, I am not that  girl. I do not confront, I do not make scenes. I keep it all inside. I am not the girl to approach an ex and say to his girlfriend, “Hi! I’m Darcy. Have we met? I dated Jonathan in March. What? you were dating then? He didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend. Ohhhhhhhhh! Wait! Yes! This is vaguely familiar. Hmmmmm. That’s right. Yes! When he told me he was visiting his family in LA, he later came clean and said he was visiting you. That’s funny. Not funny ha-ha of course, funny awkward.  Okay. This is allllll coming together now.” No. I wouldn’t say any of that. I would just think it.

The snub didn’t upset me, as we determined in the previous entry about Jonathan I didn’t much need a gay boyfriend anyway. What upset me more was I somehow got so caught up in conversation I missed my meal. They had cleared the table before I had a chance to eat my salmon. GRRRR. I was starving. Luckily, one of the bus boys that had cleared our table must have also doubled as an hors d’oeuvres waiter, as he had left a full tray of passed hors d’oeuvres on our table. I sat alone at the table, eating the left over dumplings off the tray. A vision of class really in my festive attire. They were cold by this point. Kind of like Jonathan. At least I had my Oprah who I’d prefer to road trip with cross country any day over Jonathan. That’s what friends are for I think to myself. Well, that and to tell you your ex looked like he threw up a little in his mouth when he saw you.

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