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Scenes From A Night Out

June 20, 2010

Act 1, Scene 1

Fade in: Bar in the Meatpacking district.

Out with Max as his date for an event he had to attend. I love being a gay man’s date, well, not when they are masquerading as a straight man. But this was different. This was Max. Gay, out, and bringing me as his date. Since I have sworn off men and dating for the time being a gay boyfriend is just what the doctor ordered. And by Doctor, I mean Phil, as he is the only Doctor I listen to.

Guy approaches: “This is love at first sight. I don’t even need to speak to you. I already know I love you.” He says.
This line is so pathetic. Tell me more, i think.
I pick up on an accent of some kind.
“Where are you from?” I can’t believe I am engaging Mr. Love at first sight, with his cheesy pick-up line, but Max was in the bathroom and I had nothing to do at the moment. Oh, and he was cute.
“Falo Portuguese?” I say, shamelessly flirting in his native tongue.
“Si! Fala?”
“Como Vai Voce?”
“Oi Tudo Bem! I am impressed.”
I grew up with a Brazilian Nanny.
He looks very young.
“How old are you?” I ask.
“I am 27.”
“Okay, 26.”
“I am too old you for you.”
“NO! No such thing. You are beautiful.”
“That’s sweet, but I have to run, we have to go to our next location now.” I see Max approaching.
“Awwww. Can I come with you?”
I am trying to be polite and extract myself from the conversation with this adorable newborn, when I glance down at his hand. Staring at me is a shiny gold WEDDING BAND???
“You’re married???”
“Yes.” He says this with zero embarrassment, shame or remorse.
“That’s terrible. You are gross.”  It’s really all I could muster up. I know men do this, but really? With an actual wedding band on?? I turn on my very high patent heel and walk away.

I start to wonder to myself : When I decide to become a lesbian will I watch things like “The L Word”? Will I think Suzie Orman is hot?

Act 2, Scene 1:

Fade In: Outside a gay bar which was filled with all straight people.

Somehow Max and I befriend a motley crew of bar patrons. This all takes place after 12 am. You know what they say, and by they, I mean the NYPD: “Nothing good happens after 12 midnight.” They become our entourage of sorts. One of them is adorable. He is 29 and Puerto Rican. Let’s call him Danny. Danny takes a liking to me, and I am not going to lie, Danny is cute, but not for me. I ask him where he lives.

“With my grandma. But if I ever need privacy there is another apartment in the building I can use. It’s my uncles and he is in Florida, but I have the keys.”
“That is quite the hook up.” I say.

Let’s just say I don’t plan on meeting Danny’s grandma anytime soon.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 22, 2010 12:44 am

    Darcy, whatever you do, straigh or gay, don’t fall for Suze.

    • June 22, 2010 8:14 am

      Thanks so much for reading! This made me laugh, but I do have to say I love Suze. I don’t know if it’s the glowing white teeth or the way she can balance a check book but I. Love. Her.

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