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The Robbie Report

June 23, 2010

Remember Robbie? See: Real Phone Calls From Real Men, Real Voice Mail From Real Men, Real Texts From Real Men. I have decided to name him Robbie for the sake of Darcy Dates.

Robbie and I have decided to no longer speak. And by we have decided, I mean, I have decided to no longer speak to him. My politeness has gotten me nowhere. We have had the conversation way too many times already, but it doesn’t seem to stick. I have stopped taking Robbie’s calls. Well, that’s not entirely true, I answer on each 30th call.

Yesterday Robbie called. I am so bewildered that he manages to still call 2-3 times a day I decide to pick up. Exactly what Gavin De Becker would advise against in The Gift of Fear, since I am basically now teaching Robbie that for every 30 phone calls I will pick up.

“Yes Robbie?”
“Darcy? You picked up.” (Gavin would kill me I think) “You stopped picking up.”
“Well, it’s a catch-22 with you. If I don’t pick up you leave messages that I am mean for screening your calls, and if i do pick up you complain I am keeping you on a leash.” I am not sure how this happened. He is like a pen pal at this point. Only with telephone calls and craziness.
“That’s okay baby, i’d rather be on your leash than not in your life at all.”
“You realize your nuts right Robbie?”
“I’m nuts about you is what I am.”
For reasons I can’t explain, I imagine if Robbie had a theme song while he walked it would be Black Betty.
“So Darcy, I am hanging out with a great girl now. I like her a lot.”
“Awesome Robbie. So why are you still calling me?”
“Cause I like you Darce. I want you in my life.”
“Awesome. I hope you get married and invite me to the wedding. I love a wedding band and pigs in a blanket. I’ll stay in your life for that.”
“I’m serious. You are a cool girl Darce.”
“Thanks. I hope it works out with this girl. It sounds like you really like her.”
“Yea, she’s cool. She’s a nice a girl. She’s not as thin as I like. She is more voluptuous.”
“Cool.”
“What’s the story with voluptuous? Why isn’t it fat? What’s the difference?”
Is he asking me this really? I’m confused.
“She hasn’t slept with me yet, which I like.”
“Nice.”
“I mean, if she slept with me on our first date or whatever I wouldn’t like her. I mean, I would, it would just change things. It probably wouldn’t go anywhere.”
“Well, if that’s the case, then don’t try to sleep with her until you know it will go somewhere.” Am I giving relationship advice to Robbie? How does this kind of thing happen to me?
“No. I’ll always try.”
“Ok. Well, I gotta run. Work.”
“BYE!” Robbie hangs up in a huff.

I go back to work for an hour or so and completely forget Robbie exists.

Ring Ring.
“Hello?”
“Why didn’t you call me back?”
“ROBBIE. I AM WORKING.”
“When can I see you? I want to go out with you again.”
“Robbie, you are dating someone. We just had an entire conversation about your sex life with her, or lack thereof. Please, focus on the new girl and leave me be.”
“Now you are playing games with me Darcy.”
“WHAT?”
“You are blaming it on the girl, but that’s not why you won’t go out with me.”
“No Robbie, you are right, that’s not why. However, I still think you should focus on her.”
“Can we go out as friends?”
“We aren’t friends Robbie.”
“Let me take you out as a friend.”

Robbie and I are in an abusive relationship of sorts. I am not sure how or why. I put my foot down and somehow I still speak to him several times a day. In a few weeks Robbie and I may be living together. In fact, there is a good chance Robbie is sleeping under my bed at this very moment or lingering in one of my closets. I should stop writing right now and go peruse some online wedding registries to make sure he hasn’t registered us anywhere. More on Robbie Later I am sure, as he is the gift that keeps giving.

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