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No Gifts Please

June 28, 2010

I never understood why people write “No Gifts” on an invitation. Let’s be honest, gifts are fun to give and to get. I am pro gift. But there have been cases when gifts can take a turn for the creepy. Not possible you say? Well, let me prove you wrong.

If we are dating, seeing each other, in love, married, divorced, friends, if you are a host, I am thanking you, it’s your birthday, engagement, wedding, anniversary, you just had your first or fourth baby, maybe you won a nobel prize, you are retiring, it’s a get well gift of some kind….I find a gift, even a token, appropriate. Even if it’s a “thinking of you and I thought you would love this gift!”, I support it 100%. However, even a “thinking of you” gift can go terribly wrong.

The following is not appropriate. If you are this guy: See Step Away From The Blackberry, June 24th, 2010, and it has been 24 hours since our first date, and I am only responding 1 out of your 20 texts, please do not send me an Itunes gift certificate to a Natalie Cole song that made you think of me. It will be weird and creepy and I will never be able to like and or listen to the song in the same way.

Also not appropriate: If I meet you, and I find you interesting, but I know we can never date because I live in New York City and you live in Philly and you are newly separated and have two kids that will keep you in Philly, and I tell you such on our first phone conversation I will not like if you look up my address which is not published and send me a gift. I assure you, I will see your return address and wonder how you got my address without me giving it to you, especially because it is not published. I will open the corner of the package to peek inside. When I discover it contains approximately 20 CD’s of my favorite artist I will NOT find it sweet. I will find it creepy. I will hand it to the mailman and ask him to return to sender and to stamp it with something that contains the words “wrong address” or “recipient does not live here” or even “Are you kidding me???”. I will never acknowledge receipt and we will never speak again. Every time I leave my building for the next two months I will look both ways to make sure you don’t jump out from behind the car I believe you to be hiding behind.

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