Breaking The Rules
As mentioned in an earlier entry, there are a plethora of books written on the rules of dating (See: He Will Boil Your Bunny, May 5, 2010). These books give step by step advice on how to make a man fall for you. Don’t call him, don’t act interested, don’t even smile, don’t let him see you eat ever, unless it’s a basil leaf, and don’t ever let him know you like him.
If you have seen the movie How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, then you can pretty much liken my behavior on my first date with Kyle to that of Kate Hudson’s character. I realize many of my entries rip apart actions and choices made by my dates, but you see, I am not always that innocent either. On my first date with Kyle I was in rare form and made some of the worst first date mistakes to date.
It was about 98 degrees in New York City. You couldn’t walk a half block without breaking out into a deep sweat. I was looking forward to my date with Kyle, as our first interaction was pretty promising,(See: When You Least Expect It, July 8, 2010). And he was cute. He didn’t set off my creepy meter in any way. That day I was running around from meeting to meeting with very little time to spare, culminating in dropping Bear off at his dad’s house for the night. After a quick shower and a mad dash to the meat packing district (which from here on out I shall refer to only as “the first-dating district”), I arrived to meet Kyle at his restaurant of choice.
I had one concern about our date. Kyle didn’t yet know I was divorced or that I had a child. It is always the first thing I tell people, but it all happened so fast I didn’t get a chance to tell him. The fact that he initially thought I was 26 put extra pressure on me. Here is my feeling about dating people who have an issue with the fact that I have a child: You are not for me. My child is my everything and my most favorite part of my life. If it doesn’t work for you, great, but then it certainly doesn’t work for me. So we’re cool.
I showed up and found Kyle sitting at the bar. I immediately felt at ease. We hadn’t even been sitting for 4 minutes when I asked,
“So, what do you know about me?”
“Nothing.” Kyle said.
“Well, did you know that I am divorced and I have a child?”
“No. I didn’t, but thats awesome. Kids are great.”
“I agree!” I said. I felt relieved that he knew. Not because it is some secret I had to get off my chest, but because if this wasn’t okay with Kyle, I wasn’t okay with Kyle.
Kyle talks about his divorce briefly and confides that he got the sense his ex-wife never wanted to have kids and kept putting it off. He tells me he really wanted kids and felt that was what life was about. Excellent.
It was immediately easy to talk to Kyle. He had a good sense of humor, he loved that I was a mom, and we quickly admitted that we were psyched when we met. Kyle was drinking beer, and for reasons I still can’t explain I chose to go the vodka route.
“This is an unlevel playing field.” I announced, as the tall glass of vodka and soda was delivered to the table. Famous last words.
“No, I will drink much more beer than you will vodka.”
Between the excessive heat and my PMS, the drink hit and it hit hard. I was all warmed up and ready for the confessionathon you should never really have on a first date. After I ate the majority of the food we ordered (it was sushi so we ordered for the table) the waiter asked if we wanted to see a dessert menu.
“No, we’re good.”
“WHAT? We need dessert. That’s so boring Kyle.”
This will not be the first time my behavior on this date will make you cringe. Just a warning.
“I’m not really a dessert person.” He said.
“That could be a deal breaker.” I said and I wildly summoned the waiter and asked for the dessert menu. The Rules girls would have officially died by this point.
I am more of a dessert person than an actual food person so I was bummed. Given that I had gone pound for pound with kyle I was now well into my third drink. I should have stopped at two, but I didn’t. It was hot, the drink was refreshing, and he was cute. The trifecta if you will, one quite similar to the Bermuda triangle where judgement gets lost instead of people.
At the end of my second drink I asked the waiter if I should go on a second date with Kyle.
“Don’t you think we should get finished with our first date first?” Kyle asks.
Awkwaaaarrrrdddd, I hear as a song sung in a very high pitched voice in my head.
I invite Kyle to move to my side of the table. Why wouldn’t I? I was bombed at this point. Kyle accepts and moves next to me. He tells me I am completely adorable. Then he kissed me, and I was okay with it. Maybe it was the vodka, or that he was cute, or that I was averting my eyes away from his short sleeve button down. But it was all good. I was having a grand ol’ time.
“Did anyone ever tell you you look just like denise richards?”
“No, because I don’t.” I mean, maybe I did, If by look like her you mean we are both blondeish, and are moms and you have major beer goggles on. Kyle must have been drunk too.
I am not sure how it happened but before you know it, I believe I asked Kyle out on another date mid-date. Gone was the let him chase you rule. We make a plan for the following week. I know my behavior is terrible and I want to make it stop, only I can’t. DARCY STOP. Nope, I keep going. We wrap up the dinner and Kyle is about to call it a night.
“Hey, we are young! Let’s go out!” I say. I may have even performed the perfect cheer.
“Where should we go?”
“I don’t know, for a drink somewhere.” If I had to guess what was going through Kyles mind at that point it may have gone something like this: ‘Lush party of 1, Lush party of 1, your table is ready.’
We are heading to the next location and I see Alexis calling.
“OHHHH! It’s my best friend Alexis! You need to talk to her! She is the best. She talks to all my first dates. ANSWER IT!” I may or may not have been yelling this at him. They speak for a while. I don’t really know what they talk about exactly, but the next day she told me that he said he needed to hang up because Darcy was shaking her ass at a homeless man.
When we get to our next destination I sat down at the bar. I believe I kind of fell off the chair. In all fairness, the chair was a stool, and the seat was an actual basketball. Even on my best day I may not have been coordinated enough for a surprise like that.
“Were you ever a fire-fighter?”
“Awww. Too bad. I can’t marry you.”
“Marry me? This is our first date.”
“I know. Just saying. My psychic told me I was going to marry a fire fighter.” Gone was the don’t talk about the future rule, or the don’t be a crazy freak who talks about your psychic or shrink or you live in your parents basement rule. DARCY SHUT THE FK UP. What’s worse? The fact that you brought up the M word or that you said you had a psychic? You are that girl Darcy. Why don’t you go buy 9 cats while you are at it and call it a day.
Kyle is yawning and asks if I am ready to go. It’s 12 midnight.
“Go? Now? Come on Kyle! We are having so much fun!” And by we, I meant I, as I was too drunk to know if we were having fun or not so I had just assumed we were.
“Where do you want to go?”
“I want french fries! Let’s go somewhere for french fries!”
I had officially held my date hostage after he already said he was ready to call it a night. Gone was the leave him wanting more rule. We walked into a dive bar around the corner and I ordered up french fries and a Diet Coke (at least I had the sense to cut myself off, though it was probably too late).
“What are you having?” I asked.
“Nothing.” Kyle said. He may have been sitting silently, or sleeping. I am unsure. When they fries arrived I offered him some.
“No. I’m okay.”
About 15 minutes into my fry binge, Kyle asked, “You ready?”
I had fries hanging out of my mouth but realized he must have really wanted to go. Hours ago.
“Okay,” I said, as I stuffed as many as I could into my mouth.
I realize I have completely blown up this night. Kyle put me in a taxi (I think), and on the taxi ride home I texted him thank you. He responded that he had a lot of fun.
The next night I received a text from Kyle, telling me he hoped I was having fun and he looks forward to seeing me soon. Kyle must like crazy chicks. Thank you lord! From what I remember, Kyle was nice. And funny.
On our next date, yes, there was a next date, I apologized for my drunken behavior. Kyle asked what I was talking about and said he had so much fun. He was the perfect gentleman and let me tell all the same stories I told on the first date and acted like he was hearing them for the first time (my memory of that first date is a bit foggy so I wasn’t quite sure what I had and had not told him the first time around). Kyle discloses that he too was drunk. I told Kyle he was a sport for letting me hold him hostage while I ate french fries in a dive bar, and I teased him for wanting to leave before I could even finish.
“Oh, I wanted to leave a long time before that!” We laughed. He was teasing, but it was actually true. I only drank one beer that night. He even asked if I wanted dessert. I tried to send him home but he wanted to walk around a little after the date.
“Why are you trying to send me home?” He asked.
“It’s the least I could do after keeping you as my prisoner last time.”
We walked through Soho holding hands and stopped periodically to dance in the street. He even dipped me.