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Needing Space

July 23, 2010

I don’t want to share my closet. Is that selfish? I had never really thought about it when I first moved in with my ex-husband. I was so taken by the idea of “moving in” with someone , that I gladly interspersed my sweaters with his, used every other drawer, put my t-shirts on one of his bookshelves. I used my shoes as book ends and crammed my toothbrush into his toothbrush holder. I was all set. I was so excited to get my first drawer that I could care less if it had enough room. You have never seen a drawer packed so tight as was my first drawer at his house.

When we were married, we were lucky enough to have his and hers closets. I had enough room to get dressed in mine. On rainy days I would go in there and play dress up if I wanted to. I would try on dresses I had bought but never really had the chance to wear. Sometimes I would sit in there and look over old camp pictures I had stored in a shoe box.

Then came my divorce. I downsized apartments, and this time the master only had one closet. It was a nice size, I’ll give you that. But there was only one. For me. Over time I would stare at it and wonder how on earth a couple share this one closet. In addition to my closet I have not one, but two dressers, in my bedroom, and I could still use more space.

One day I was sitting with my (then) boyfriend my living room. He would stay over periodically when Bear was at his dad’s house. He offered up the idea that he could possibly have a little piece of his own real estate in my apartment.
“Maybe a drawer? So when I stay here I don’t have to go home first?”
I think my heart stopped for a second. Not in a good way.

I realize this is when the “drawer” celebration was supposed to begin. Possibly a telephone chain.
“Hi Kate? He wants a drawer!”
“A drawer? That’s great! Congratulations Darcy!”
“Hi, Sue, it’s Kate! Did you hear about Darcy? Yes! He wants a drawer!”
“A drawer? Really? Wow! So exciting.”
There may or may not be a parade that was supposed to ensue. Possibly a conga line of some kind, picking up neighbors and family members as we danced through the halls. I am pretty sure I was supposed to set my facebook status to “He asked for a drawer!” 20 people would comment with a mix of congratualtions and witicisms and at least 7 people would “like” it.
But I wanted none of that.

Like a selfish, cold-hearted bitch, it flew right out of my mouth,
“I don’t really have a drawer to give you.”
“Darcy, you have two dressers and a walk-in closet”
“Yes…but…it’s taken?”
I watched his face fall, looking for reassurance of some kind. But I had none to give.

That is when I realized; I am pretty damn comfortable not having a roommate. I realize a love interest is not a roommate. I do. But it is yet another person in the house. The idea of “giving a drawer” to a significant other, which may have at one point sent my heart a flutter just seemed…well…downright annoying. I realize this sounds callous, and maybe it is.

“Um…let’s see…hmmmm…maybe there is a shelf in the linen closet…or….I know…maybe…no, that won’t work…(faux sigh)”
I sized up my apartment trying to find an extra closet or drawer, maybe there was some room in the freezer? Maybe he could fit into my stuff and didn’t need stuff of his own? No. That couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t want him to stretch it.

I didn’t know what to do about his “stuff”, but what I did know is that I didn’t want him to move-in in any way, shape or form. Had I become a bachelor? Was it him or was it just that I had become so entirely self-sufficient and comfortable with my life as being just me and Bear. Bear and I had our own special space and our time was ours. Our space was ours.  Something to think about. For now, my closet is all mine. Let’s just say I am more than okay with that.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. vanessa permalink
    July 25, 2010 7:47 pm

    This is seriously hilarious. I had went through a very similar thing when an ex literally helped me move apartments. He even painted my new place while I was away on a business trip just to make life easier for me. When I got home, amongst all of my boxes, were his sneakers — sweetly splattered with paint from the work he’d done to help me. Honestly, all I could do was get entirely fixated on the fact that someone else’s stuff was in my apt. Even amongst all my unpacked boxes, they felt like an intrusion. I said, “You’re gonna take those home, right?” And he said, “I thought I’d just leave them here for a while.” At that point, I was like, “Well….I can’t…I can’t…I can’t…” to which he said, “Share?” Um…exactly.

    Good luck with the blog. I’m sure I’ll have lots to relate to 🙂

    • July 25, 2010 9:00 pm

      Thanks so much for reading! And i love that you shared your story. So funny. It’s a big adjustment that i think gets harder when you are so used to your space being your own! Keep reading and keep sharing your stories!

  2. July 27, 2010 12:26 pm

    LOL! I know what you mean! After the ex & I split my bestie moved in with me. I did NOT like it and evidently it showed. She moved out just a few months later not entirely my biggest fan. Oops!

    • July 27, 2010 2:05 pm

      It’s hard to share space that you are accustomed to having after being on your own! For me, I never really thought about it, until I spent a ton of time on my own with it just being me and Bear. It is our space. Maybe one day I will find it in my heart to…gasp…share a closet with someone new. But for now, well, it’s like my own private boutique, and unfortunately, they don’t carry menswear!


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