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Bridal Skeletons In My Closet

August 23, 2010

Like any healthy woman in her mid thirties, I have quite a few skeletons in my closet. Okay. I admit. It’s a friggin’ graveyard. There is one skeleton I would like to talk about in particular. It hangs in my closet with quite lovely bones covered in a black garment bag with the beautiful words J. Mendel written across the front. What is it you ask, buried beneath one too many Chanel bags and vintage tee’s? A wedding dress. Oh no, not the wedding dress I wore to my actual wedding. Noooo. That one is in storage somewhere collecting dust so I can pull it out one day for Bear’s future wife and say, “Want to wear this honey?” and she will cringe. No. Not that one. This is a wedding dress that was sent to me as a gift from an ex-fiance. Yes, there was one. I haven’t yet discussed him on my blog as I would not even know where to begin with him, but his name was Nick Hogan.

Nick Hogan had proposed to me after a year of dating at a rather complicated time in my life. When he proposed, it didn’t feel, well, authentic. It felt forced and just…wrong. He placed the ring on my finger and we both looked at each other in awkward silence.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yea.” He said.
I called my mother.
“I’m engaged?”
“You don’t sound excited about it. Are you?”
“I gotta go.” I hung up, frozen in fear.

I sat up in bed all night, not so much out of excitement but out of deep seeded confusion. It wasn’t right. I knew it. That is when operation “give back the enormous ring” began.

I only wore the ring on occasion, and the rest of the time it was hidden in my closet.
“Why don’t you ever wear your ring Darcy?” friends would ask.
“Oh, you know. I am not a big ring kind of girl.”
Let’s be honest girls, who isn’t.
Alexis would tell people I got engaged.
“I didn’t know Darcy had a boyfriend?”
I would tell people, “I am engaged.”
“To who?” they would ask.
Exactly.

I tried to get on board with the idea, but I just couldn’t. I knew it was wrong, Nick Hogan knew it was wrong. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion, only I was the train and really, who wants to be a part of that. Nick Hogan was always very good to me, and I was crazy about him, but he was a complicated guy, in ways I can’t even begin to describe at this time.

“Darcy, I am taking you to look at wedding dresses.” Alexis called one day, sounding very cheery and bridesmaid like. Very unlike her. I think she sensed I was in some type of engagement like depression.
“Alexis, I am not getting a wedding dress.”
“Darcy, yes you are!”
“Alexis!”
“Come! We are going to Bergdorfs.”
That is an offer I can rarely refuse.
“Fine.”

I picked her up in a taxi and as we headed down to the store I felt a minor panic attack setting in. We entered bridal and it felt…well…wrong. Like I was cheating on my first wedding. However, anyone who has ever been married can tell you they have fantasies of their next wedding gown, even in the most happy of marriages. “It would be short”, “It would be funky”, “A bit more casual.” I had this opportunity. For a moment I put my panic aside and started to comb through dresses…when I spotted it. It wasn’t a wedding dress per se, but it was a white J. Mendel gown. One of my favorite designers. The Rachel Zoe in me was screaming “Oh. My. Gd. It’s. Bananas”. It was perfect. Subtle. Pretty. Just very Darcy. I looked at the price tag. Yowza. I didn’t need a dress this expensive. I didn’t really need a dress.
“I am going to think about it.” I said to the lady. Not so much the dress, as the actual wedding.

I walked out. That was certainly the dress. I don’t know what it was the dress for, but if there was something, that was definitely it. It was made for me.

Alexis tried to do what any best friend would and arranged for an amazing surprise. She had Nick Hogan send me the dress, as a gift. It was a beautiful, outstanding, overly generous gift, as most of Nick Hogan’s gifts were. I wore it around my house. I loved the dress. I couldn’t so much see myself walking down an aisle in it, but definitely through my living room. Man, I looked great in my living room. I pictured my neighbors in the building across the street who look directly into my apartment to say to each other,
“Who is that crazy wackadoo who is always in a wedding dress in that apartment across the street?”
“I don’t know honey. It’s sad. Don’t look.” The wife would say, as she would close their blinds.

In the end my engagement was called off, but the dress remains in the archives of my closet. Waiting to be worn. If I do marry again, this is the dress I would like to wear, which might be kind of creepy. If any of these men I went out with knew I had a wedding dress hanging in my closet, they might go running for the hills. Maybe I should just wear it on all my first dates. See if it feels right. If they are a match with the dress they might be a match for me? Kind of like Cinderella’s shoe, only different. Cause this was just weird and dysfunctional.

One day I may tell my future husband,
“Hey, you know that dress I wore to our wedding, well this is a funny story, not funny ha-ha of course, but funny crazy…”

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. August 23, 2010 11:51 am

    Okay, so “he’s too complicated” is not a good thing.

    Then again, I’ve also heard “he’s too simple” ain’t good, either.

    What is it with you women? Can a guy ever win?!? :-p

  2. August 23, 2010 12:21 pm

    My view: relationships are hard enough. Simple is way better than complicated!

  3. August 23, 2010 1:13 pm

    Wow, glad to know I’m not the only one with a dress haunting me! Actually, my ex fiancée keeps my dress at his house. He paid me for it, but has asked my help selling it. I’m having the hardest time forcing myself to sell this dress. I was just about two months short of wearing it when we broke up. I love this dress more than any other article of clothing I’ve bought in my entire life. But, I don’t think I could ever wear it with another guy – too many attachments. Not like yours, it seemed you mostly liked the dress, and didn’t associate it with the guy so much. When I tried my dress on, I thought of my ex fiancée, what he would think about it, I imagined walking down the aisle with him. And I cried. Oh how I cried – but they were happy tears. I don’t think there is any way I can disassociate myself with those feelings over that dress now and ever wear it again. So I guess I have a dress for sale, in case you need one to keep yours company 🙂

    • August 24, 2010 9:27 am

      We are going to have to plan a night to throw on our wedding dresses and go out for drinks! Yes, you are right, our feelings towards our dresses are quite different, but I can completely understand where you are coming from as I have had great disappointments as well, and you are right, this was not one of them. I think in your case the best bet is to sell it and find a new one that matches the new man!

  4. August 26, 2010 11:00 am

    I actually chuckled here: “Man, I looked great in my living room. I pictured my neighbors in the building across the street who look directly into my apartment to say to each other,
    “Who is that crazy wackadoo who is always in a wedding dress in that apartment across the street?”
    “I don’t know honey. It’s sad. Don’t look.” The wife would say, as she would close their blinds.”

    And I love the concluding lines!

    • August 26, 2010 1:22 pm

      Thank you so much! That was actually my favorite part as well! I laughed to myself as I was writing it, and was hoping people wouldn’t see it as sad, but actually funny! Thank you for reading and thank you for your comment!

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