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Dating Detox

October 11, 2010

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I, Darce E. Dates, have a big announcement. I am going on a diet. A dating diet. Maybe it’s a dating detox? Well, actually, more like a fast. For 60 days I will not go on a date. I will not go to dinner, drinks, movies, concerts, sporting events, hiking, white water rafting (that would be hard to resist, to be honest, especially if it was within driving distance), staycation, vacation, one of the girls in your rotation, dancing, prancing, nary a thing with a guy that could potentially be a romantic interest.

Fine, in the spirit of full disclosure, just like anyone entering a rehab of some kind I have snuck one thing in my duffel bag. It’s one last date that was planned before this announcement so I need to go on it.

I am burnt. I don’t even want to become a lesbian, as that would involve dating. I want to become a monk of sorts. I want to wear an orange toga of some kind, a color that looks terrible on me. I want to only do things with Bear and my friends and watch 80 hours of The Office on DVR (a show I recently watched for the first time 3 weeks ago and I literally have trouble leaving my house because of how great it is. Yes, I know, I have been living under a rock. More like a mountain.) I want to do nothing but the following:

1) Find out which of my neighbors is smoking pot 24/7 and making my bedroom smell like a frat house.
2) Wine and dine with old friends, new friends, friends that don’t want to be naked with me in any way. I would like to go to 6th street and get Indian food with them. Possibly Chinatown for some dumplings, I want to eat tacos at that creepy place I love. I want to have some beers and wings and then go home and watch MORE of The Office.
3) I want to learn how to make a quilt. Or not. No. I don’t want to make a quilt. I don’t like crafting of any kind.
4) I want to buy a new dresser. I’m bored with my old one.
5) I want to see Wall Street the movie by myself and get bed bugs. Well, not the bed bugs, but I can’t talk about seeing movies in NYC these days without mentioning the bed bug epidemic. Speaking of movies, everyone should see the Social Network. It’s very good and Aaron Sorkin is a genius.
6) I want to delete tons of e-mail from my inbox so I don’t keep getting “System Administrator Mailbox is Full!” Messages. It’s incredibly annoying and prevents the sending of e-mail from my Blackberry.
7) Speaking of Blackberry’s, I would like to not carry mine when I am not working.
8 ) I would like to change my phone number and possibly take down my Facebook page. I would like to revert to making person to person calls.
9) I would like to subscribe to trashy magazines so they show up at my house without me having to be in an airport to read them. This, of course, would entail me checking my mailbox more often than I do, so maybe it’s not such a good idea now that I talked it out.
10) I would like to go to the gym and not leave after 12 minutes, from what I understand that is not long enough for a sufficient workout.
11) I would like to enter and win a sweepstakes of some kind. I would like to win a big check. And I don’t mean the sum, I mean the size. One of those extra large checks they carry to your door when you win.
12) I want to visit Ellis Island, something I have never done even though I was born and raised in this city.
13) No. Actually. I don’t want to go to Ellis Island. I will just believe other people who say it’s cool.
14) I would like to work on my Poker face, which is horrendous.
15) I would like to ride the luggage carousel at the airport. I have always wanted to do that. Bear has too. We will do it together. I would not like to get arrested for it. I don’t think you can watch The Office in jail. Do they have condiments in jail by the way? Just wondering.
16) I would like to buy my Halloween costume NOW so I don’t have to wait on-line the day of Halloween and be a witch because it’s the only thing left.
17) I would like to start drinking green tea, and understand what all the fuss is about. Actually, scratch that. I’m not a tea person. But, I would enjoy a milkshake. I wish they had Friendly’s in the city. But I’ll take one from Shake Shack, a place I have never been. Apparently, I am the only person in NYC to have never been to Shake Shack.
18) I would like to go to Shake Shack.
19) I would like vitamins to be something I take and not just something to decorate the shelves of my medicine cabinet.
20) I would like to join a nunnery. While I am Jewish, I am basically abstinent, so I may as well get some credit with g-d. As they say, “money in the bank.”

So, you are wondering, what is it that I will write about? Well, I do have tons of stuff in the archives that have yet to be written or published regarding my previous dates, I will also let you know how I am doing as a social misfit, holed up in my apartment doing nothing but watching The Office and not quilting. Jim from The Office by the way, is now number one on my list (See: The List). I am now in a relationship with Jim. He is tall, funny and cute.  Only he doesn’t know and he isn’t real which is obviously an obstacle, and it probably isn’t healthy. Let’s be honest; it’s possibly a tad creepy.

Bottom line: there is only one man in my life I would like to spend time with right now. He is a little man, and although he is only 6, he is the best one I know. Yesterday we went to a street fair, ate roasted corn and shish kabobs, and then we rode our bikes down West End avenue. If that is not a perfect day I don’t know what is. He’s my best guy and makes me super happy. Sorry Jack and your big penis, (See: Forget Paris) but this girl is on hiatus.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. October 11, 2010 9:59 am

    You and Wile E. Seriously, is it Darcy? Or Darce E.? :-p

    • October 11, 2010 12:27 pm

      Darcy. But I felt for dramatic effect I needed a middle initial!

      • October 11, 2010 3:56 pm

        Darcy E. Dates doesn’t work?

        Wow, that just sounded like a Dr. Seuss book….

  2. October 11, 2010 3:50 pm

    LOL great post. I can relate to your recent discovery of The Office. I just discovered 30 Rock and have many marathons. Thank you Netflix. Also, don’t quilt. Watch How to Make An American Quilt instead- instant points. I crochet. It’s easier and less pinchy.

  3. Ats permalink
    October 11, 2010 4:39 pm

    Hey Darcy….I have been on hiatus as well…I am done till January, but I keep getting comeons from eHarmony. Big sales on love these days going cheep!….every-so-often I get tempted….not tempted enough. I am spending time with my favorite girl — she is 7….(i am indeed making a quilt, no I am not!)

    • October 11, 2010 5:31 pm

      Hi! It’s exhausting isn’t it??! So much simpler when we could just go to evening activity and then to the point 😉

  4. Jason F permalink
    October 13, 2010 5:52 pm

    Let me know when the 60 days is up…we should get together and I will remind you why you did this is in the first place-

  5. @michelby1 permalink
    September 11, 2012 11:49 pm

    Aaaah the dreaded “dating detox”! Definately not a bad idea, depending on how you, or I, came to this in the first place. Mine, somewhat forced, and unexpected…nonetheless, I’m so ready to move on! “Don’t want to waste the pretty”.


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