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Driving With My Mom

October 22, 2010

My mother is one of my best friends. However, sometimes her logic is a little off and she suffers from real Jewish mother anxiety. These are just a few of her gems, a compilation if you will, from some of our recent trips in the car:

She glances over at me as I was texting furiously. I was sitting in the passenger seat.
“Darcy, it’s very dangerous to text in the car.”
“That’s only if you are driving, which I am not.”
“Still. It’s still dangerous.”
Okay.

She has also mastered the traffic tracker on her IPhone, which I admit to be helpful when initially planning our route, however, it doesn’t end there. She often gives live traffic updates while I am driving.
“Darcy, traffic is moving. There is no traffic here.” She says as she is staring down at her phone.
“Yes, I had derived that from looking directly out my window and actually driving.”
It’s not nice, but sometimes, while going 70 down an empty highway, no other car in sight I will ask, “Is there traffic now? How about now? Maybe now? Now is there traffic? Maybe there is traffic here? Can you check if there is traffic?”
“Darcy, you’re teasing me.” Then I see it. She can’t resist! She actually sneaks a peek at her phone traffic tracker to see if there is traffic!
“No, there is no traffic.” She says.
“Thanks mom. You’re the best!”

She also has an intense fear of the HOV lane. Not because it’s moving fast, but because she actually thinks you will get trapped in it and never be able to get out. When I am driving in the HOV lane, she literally sits forward, eyes peeled on the road, looking for an “exit” from the HOV lane. She will read the signs:
“Darcy, you can exit the HOV lane at exit 38.”
“But we are going to exit 70.”
“Are you sure? What if we can’t get out of the HOV lane after exit 38 and before exit 70.”
“I am going to really live on the edge and take the risk that I may have to stay in the HOV lane for the next 2 days. I may have to drive all the way to Canada. Or Cuba. Or whatever is all the way past the Hamptons ( I am terrible at geography. See: My GPS Can Suck It) because I can’t exit the HOV lane. I’m a gambler like that.”
“It’s not funny Darcy.”
“Yes. Yes, It actually it is.”
From my mom’s perspective she basically thinks at some point there will be a news helicopter following us similar to that of the white bronco chase, only instead of fugitives on the run, the newscasters will be screaming, “Below you will see a family stuck in the HOV lane. They have been driving for hours. They can’t get out. They missed the exit! We are trying to assist them, but we aren’t quite sure how.”
“Mom, you know it’s just a white line, and we can drive over it at any time.”
“That’s illegal Darcy.”
“Well, if there was an emergency, we can get out. that’s all I am saying.”
“Well, it’s not legal.”
Yup.

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. Ats permalink
    October 22, 2010 9:54 am

    Darcy,

    It is contagious….except with my Father. Only difference is his malady comes with GPS. On the way to the US Open he had — Verizon’s GPS active on his phone, a TomTom giving directions simultaneously and MapQuest Printed directions sitting on his lap…amazingly (insert sarcastic look here) they all gave different directions —

    none of which I followed…

  2. ellen permalink
    October 22, 2010 10:54 am

    I’m on the train & hysterically. Laughing people think I’m crazy
    Xoxo

  3. October 27, 2010 9:33 pm

    Haha, I love this. Your mom sounds awesome and funny. My dad likes to watch the Weather Channel – incessantly. We could be going NO WHERE and he’s strangely interested in the weather on the Eastern Seaboard. Even if we’ve seen the same forecast five times. You never know when the weather will change, I guess!

    • October 28, 2010 10:50 am

      so funny! my mother is the same way with the weather channel. And she calls us with weather updates. “Be careful. It’s going to rain.” “Careful of what mom? Melting?”

  4. Debbie Helman permalink
    November 4, 2010 8:52 pm

    So funny! I think we can all relate! Thanks for the laughs!

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