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Meet Robbie’s Family

November 8, 2010

I know, I know. I have been promising to post the end of my faux relationship with Robbie, but other things keep coming up. Now everything is very out-of-order. But since we stopped speaking, his obsessive calling has resumed. He now mainly calls and yells at me for never answering or saying I am too busy to speak, which is very often true.

He called the other night. I hadn’t picked up in a few weeks…since the penis text incident (See: Real Texts From Robbie), and I decided to say a quick hello.
“Hi Robbie.”
“Hi baby.”
“How have you been?”
“Good. How are you?”
“Good.”
“Are you dating anyone?” I love how he gets right to the point.
“Yes.” This might keep him at bay. Might.
“Who is this guy? Is he hotter than me?”
“What else is new with you Robbie?”
“Things are good. What are you doing tonight?” He sounds rushed, frantic and semi-angry as always.
“I have plans.”
“Is he taking you to McDonald’s?”
I’m silent. I wonder why I do this to myself.
“Well, I am glad to hear you are doing well. I actually have to run though. Have to hop in the shower.” I really did have to run.
“Oh. So you’re playing hard ball with me now?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Saying you have to go and shower.”
“Um, no. I actually have to take a shower. I just got back from the gym.”
“Fine.”

Finally an hour later he texted, “Can I see you tomorrow?”
I haven’t seen Robbie in a couple of months, and it always makes for such good Darcy material, and Bear was going to his dads house for the weekend. I really had nothing going on.
“Okay. But it’s totally platonic, and I would like to bring a friend or a group of friends.” Possibly a therapist for the both of us. For you, because you need one, and for me, because I obviously do too.
“Okay.”

The next day I check my phone and have 3 missed calls in the space of an hour, from Robbie. Coupled with a text that says “ANSWER!”
I call him back.
“Why weren’t you answering your phone?”
“I didn’t even see it ringing. I was with Bear.”
“Listen, I’m seeing you tonight right?”
“Yes.”
“Can you come to my moms birthday dinner? It’s at my brother’s house.” His brother who lives outside of New York City.
My eyes widened. I know this is terrible but my immediate thought: What excellent Darcy material! Meeting Robbie’s family? That is a virtual goldmine. Come one readers, those of you who follow the Robbie drama, you know that to be true!
“Really? Okay.” I say. I was actually ecstatic.
“Really? Cool! We will leave at 7.”
“How are we getting there?” I ask, knowing the responsibility will probably fall on me.
“We can take a car or you can drive. Or I can drive your car.”
“No. You aren’t driving.”
“Why not?”
“I’m pretty sure you have major road rage.”
“I don’t have road rage! Be ready at 7.” He hangs up.
I text him shortly after.
“Are you sure this isn’t going to be awkward?”
“That’s what I hate about you, ” he writes back.
He always had a way with words.

I call Alexis.
“Hi. Guess where I am going tonight? Robbie’s. Mom’s. Birthday. Dinner.” I say this as though it’s the Oscars, and I know she will feel the same.
“Shut up. That’s amazing!”
“Yep.”
“Where is it?”
“The brother’s house. Do you think they are going to wonder why he is bringing an old lady with him?”
We laugh. Hysterically.
“Alright, I gotta run. I gotta go get ready for my Machatunim.”
We laugh even harder. For those of you unfamiliar with Yiddish, Machatunim means in-laws. A word Alexis and I use constantly and it gets the same reaction every time. Never seems to get old.

“What are you wearing?” I text Robbie.
“Jeans.”
“And what?”
“A shirt”
Alrighty then. I throw on Jeans and a pink button down. Robbie shows up wearing the exact same thing. There is nothing like making an awkward situation even more awkward.
“Don’t mind the old lady in the matching outfit mom.” I picture him to say as we arrive.

As we load into the car I ask him again, “You told your brother I was coming right?”
“Of course.”
I start driving and he starts asking me about my love life. I tell him it is great and thriving. Which is obviously not the case, as I am driving out of Manhattan, over a bridge, with a guy who spends the greater majority of his free time torturing me. I already want to turn the car around but realize I am leaving his mother high and dry, and as a mother, I am sensitive to that, so instead I just wonder if I can do a slow drive by the house and he can roll out. For most of the ride, Robbie had the sun visor pulled down so he could look at himself in the mirror. This is what it must be like to be “The Situation’s” driver, I silently think this.
“I hope it works out with you and this guy Darcy.” He says, as he stares at himself intently.
“That’s very altruistic of you. Thank you.”

We pull in to the driveway and I slink up to the house. I want to jump in the bushes but Robbie has already kicked in the door. I walk down the hallway and silently wait for the disaster that I know is about to unfold.
Robbie’s family says hello to him, they see me out of the corner of their eyes but say nothing.
“This is my friend Darcy!” He announces.
“I wish you would have told us you were bringing someone Robbie! So we could have set the table for her.” The brother does not look at me.
This doesn’t register with Robbie. He leaves me there to fend for myself.
“I am so sorry he didn’t tell you. I thought he told you he was bringing me.”
“No, it’s okay.” He says, still not looking at me.
“Get my guest a drink!” Robbie screams at his brother. He really knows how to turn a moment from bad to worse.
“Oh, that’s okay-”
“How about a tour!” Robbie screams to me.
“Okay,” I accept, desperate to get out of the kitchen.
I walk from room to room with Robbie. As soon as we are upstairs I ask,
“What the hell? You told me you told him I was coming!”
“Oh, It’s fine.”
As we walk back into the kitchen Robbie screams at his brother again,
“I told you! Get my guest a drink!”
I go to my safe place in my mind. There is cotton candy and possibly a unicorn there. There are also rainbows, and honey nut Cheerios.
“What would you like to drink Darcy?”
“I’ll just have a glass of wine.” I see it opened right next to him.
“No. I’m going to make you a mixed drink.”
“Okay.”
I see where Robbie gets it now. Apparently the whole family doesn’t believe in listening to what other people say. It must be a genetic trait.
Now he introduces me to his mother. Robbie’s mom was hot!
“Mom, this is Darcy!”
“Hi Darcy.”
“Hi.”
“How did you guys get here?”
“Darcy drove.” Robbie said.
“Oh. You have a car in the city?” She asked.
“Yes.”
“That’s nice. What do you do?”
Really?
“Insert my job here.”
I got the sense she wanted to see a copy of my tax return, but I didn’t have that on me.

Now a new batch of relatives show up. Robbie introduces me to them.
“This is Darcy! Darcy this is my uncle Mike, and my aunt Sara.
“Oh! Hi, we met.” She says as she shook my hand.
“No. I don’t…I don’t think we did.”
“Oh! I’m so embarrassed. So sorry!” She whispers something to her husband. They look at me and then whisper to each other once again. This can’t be real. No real people are like this. Wait. Yes they are. Robbie is like this. And these are his kin. Ah, it’s allllll coming together now.
Robbie’s mom returns to make small talk with me.
I tell her that I had some friends from her town. She knew the families well. I told her I was friends with their kids.
“So how old are you Darcy?”
“I am 35.”
“You are?? You look 20! Seriously? You aren’t 35! There is NO WAY!”
I love her now. Maybe I can date her. She’s divorced.
“Yes. I also have a 6-year-old son.”
“No WAY. Really?”
She really is shocked. For a moment I like these people.
“Yes, I do.”
With that she wanted to see pictures of Bear, and now the sister was warming up to me and she too wanted to see pictures. An activity I always like taking part in. I felt at ease. For a minute.

Robbie shuffles me to the couch and grills me on whether or not I think he looks hot.
“Can you not?” I say, “I can’t take it anymore. Why don’t you go make out with that mirror that’s leaning on that wall in the corner over there.”
Robbie’s sister’s boyfriend is watching our interaction. Robbie gets up to use the bathroom.
I wanted to feel out the family’s stance on Robbie,”Does it scare you that Robbie is a doctor?”
“A little.” He said.
Not good.
Robbie returns and sits back down next to me. His mother sits on the other side of him. He has his arm around me and she has his arm around him. Huh. I just never saw this moment for myself, that’s all.
“What do you think of Darcy mom?”
I’m sitting right here.
“She’s adorable Robbie.”
“She is. I wanted her to bear my children, but she didn’t want to be my girlfriend.”
“Don’t bear anyones children Robbie, particularly if they aren’t your girlfriend.”
Want to die.
“I had to break up with her because she was too possessive.”
I look at him with my mouth agape.
“Don’t talk about possessive Robbie. You can be possessive too. You know you had a problem with that.” His mother said firmly.
Really? Um, Hello? This is fake. Has to be.
“Robbie? Your mom doesn’t think you’re kidding.”
Robbie’s mom turns to me.
“Robbie worked very hard to be a doctor. Very hard. He worked his ass off. He should be able to do whatever he wants to do.”
Well, that’s interesting wrong advice.
“Robbie, it’s not funny. I want to strike that from the record.”
He is laughing hysterically. I am wishing my car was like Knight Rider and would bust through the living room walls to rescue me. I press the unlock button on my car key with the hopes of hearing an engine rev. Nothing. Thanks for nothing car.
“Why don’t we tell your mom the real story.”
I turn to her,
“The real story is that Robbie asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no and if you ask me, that’s the complete opposite of possessive.”
His mother doesn’t want to hear it. She continues to defend Robbie. He is laughing and I decide I hate him. I narrow my eyes at him and he laughs even harder.

Saved by dinner time. I am seated next to Robbie and across from the mean aunt. The entire meal she is looking at me and whispering to her husband. He would then look at me and whisper back. Do people not realize this is rude. I want to go home. I need to get away from this dinner.
“Can I help you in the kitchen? Can I caulk your tub? Need your bathroom tiles re-grouted?” The brother ignores me as he always does.
I’m homesick. I miss Bear. I miss being able to use my phone, which Robbie by the way, was doing the entire meal. I miss my bed. I miss my mom. Mommy. Tell me if there is traffic, (See: Driving With My Mom)

By the end of dinner I have stopped even fake smiling at the mean aunt across the table. I hate her. I hate myself more for being there. Robbie saves me,
“Let’s sit down on the couch.”
Thank you Jesus. We are alone. Which is better than being with his crazy family, whispering about us right in front of our faces. Robbie is oblivious. He proceeds to try to cuddle with me the entire evening.

Robbie and I are on the couch and he has his arms wrapped around me. His brother sits with us and decides to talk to me.
“So you guys are just friends?”
“Yes.” I say, quickly.
“We dated for a minute but then had a falling out.” He said.
“Yes, we dated for a minute after he called me every day for 6 months, so finally I caved.”
“I called you a few times a day Darcy. Not just once.”
Okay. If you want to admit that to your brother be my guest.
“So, I don’t believe it. Coming to a mom’s birthday dinner is a very girlfriend thing to do. If you weren’t his girlfriend, why would you be here?”
“Actually, that is a question I have been struggling with all night.”
“Can I ask you a question Darcy. You are obviously a very pretty girl, and seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Why did you pass thirty and never get married.”
Oh, Okay. I thought the awkward portion of the evening was over, but it’s not. Okay. Got it now.
Because he wasn’t talking to me earlier in the evening, he missed that I was divorced and had a child.
“Actually, I did get married. I was married for 7 1/2 years. I also have a child.”
“Oh. Wow. Okay.”
This is the third time I have announced this evening. It’s like being in DA, Divorced Anonymous.
“Hi, i’m Darcy, and I’m divorced.”
Only no one says “Hi Darcy!” Cause they are mean.

Robbie’s mom starts to make a beeline towards us on the couch. Robbie has his arm tightly fixated around my body and I am falling asleep on his chest watching TV. I am exhausted from embarrassment. It takes a LOT out you. She chose to sit directly on his lap.
AWK-WARD.
I am now in a three-way cuddle hug with him and his mom. She is basically giving him a lap dance and possibly nibbling on his ear. I guess I can’t date his mom. She is apparently dating Robbie.
“Mom, I am going to marry Darcy. Would you mind if I married Darcy.”
“Don’t get married, you are my baby.” She said as she hugged him tighter, possibly slipping him the tongue. He starts to pull me closer, and starts to kiss me on the head.
I could have sworn I heard one of them whisper, “it rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.” But I wasn’t quite sure which one of them said it, not that it mattered much.
“I’m going to marry Darcy. What do you think of that mom? I want her to bear my children.”
“He isn’t marrying me. He isn’t even dating me.” I say.The only relationship he is in is with the mirror.
She starts clinging to him, “Darcy is adorable. Don’t get married, be a doctor. Stay with me!”
I finally break free of the most awkward family moment I have ever been a part of and I start looking for my car keys as an activity. I know they are in my pocket but I am so beyond creeped out I want to go home and cry, or laugh, or take a shower. I am not quite sure, I just know I want out.

FInally it’s time to leave. Robbie stops and looks in every mirror on the way out. I have to peel myself out of the full body hug Robbie’s mom is now giving me. Friends close, enemies closer?

When we get to the city Robbie asks, “Are you sure you don’t want me to sleep over?”
“Yes”
“Have I ever slept over?”
“No.”
I pull up to his building.
He has basically already jumped out of my moving car.
“I get it.” He screams.
After meeting your family Robbie, so do I. So do I.

As I drove the rest of the way home I had Alexis and Max on conference. I re-capped my evening with them.
“You lost me at the part where you actually went to an intimate sit down dinner in another state for his mom’s birthday.” Max said.
we all laughed hysterically, and just like that I was home.

Just tuning in? Robbie is a favorite character. To catch yourself up see: See: My Date With Robbie, Robbie Reunion, He’s Baaack,August 6, 2010, Channeling Demi July 6, 2010,The Robbie Report, June 23, 2010, Real Phone Calls From Real Men, June 14, 2010, Real Texts From Real Men May 27, 2010, and Real Voice Mail From Real Men, June 1, 2010.

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. tracy permalink
    November 8, 2010 12:17 pm

    LOVE this-you really have to have your own show..this is beyond hysterical! I literally laughed out loud.

    • November 8, 2010 12:21 pm

      Thanks so much for reading and thanks for commenting on the site! I am so glad you are enjoying it. This was both hysterical and mortifying at the same time! But I knew it would make a great Darcy!

  2. Michelle permalink
    November 9, 2010 11:22 pm

    Wow. You should have excused yourself to the bathroom and then made your escape out the window. I’m glad you’re sticking to your guns about not bearing his children. The last thing we need is for this family to create more creepers. 😉 Good luck ignoring his calls!

    • November 10, 2010 2:55 pm

      I wanted to! I swear! Thanks so much for reading and I appreciate your comment!

  3. November 10, 2010 5:39 pm

    I so desperately needed this. Holy psychos. I’m glad to hear you’ve survived intact.

  4. November 13, 2010 12:35 pm

    A: I think you are crazy for going and B: I’m almost happy you went because it’s some sort of sociological study of how Robbie became like he is!
    You really do have a talent for telling stories, I really enjoyed this post. Your writing is so original and easy to read. Just wanted to give you props!

    • November 13, 2010 3:29 pm

      It proves the old theory, “The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.” Thank you so much for the great compliment!!! Means a lot!

      • Debbie Helman permalink
        November 14, 2010 11:43 pm

        Darcy,
        Love,love,love this-you really are so funny! Thanks for keeping me amused! This would make a modern day “Sex in the City” show! Maybe a reality show…Being single in N.Y.C. The life & adventures of Darcy!

      • November 15, 2010 2:00 pm

        Thank you so so much!!! Love the feedback and thanks so much for reading!

  5. November 23, 2010 12:29 pm

    Oh my god, Darcy, I just found your blog, but I’m glad I started with Robbie! He’s outrageous and your posts about him are hilarious. Thank you for hanging out with him and writing about it. Makes my dating stories pale in comparison! My dating “adventures” are at maggiesmanhunt.wordpress.com if you want to check it out!

    Maggie

    • November 23, 2010 12:50 pm

      Why thank you so much! He is a favorite around here. I am glad you found it! I will check yours out as well. Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting!

  6. http://fastingforweightloss.net permalink
    March 19, 2012 12:16 pm

    I conceive other website proprietors should take this site as an example, very clean and fantastic user friendly style.

    • March 19, 2012 1:03 pm

      Wow! Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. Thanks for visiting.

Trackbacks

  1. I have a new crush… | Maggie's Man Hunt
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