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Hey Jealousy…

December 2, 2010

I had been out for the evening with Leo (see: Under My Umbrella & Deal Breakers) and Robbie had called about 6 times in the space of an hour.
“Just answer it,” Leo said with a furrowed brow as he watched the phone ring continuously on the edge of the table.
“No, definitely not.” I said as I slipped the phone into my clutch.
At this point my life feels like that of Laura Linney’s character in Love Actually, where her brother is constantly calling her from the mental institution. Although, unlike Laura, I wasn’t letting this “brother” ruin my date like she did, and I certainly wasn’t picking up that phone.

On my way home I took the phone out of my bag to see what other calls I may have missed. There were a few more calls from Robbie, coupled with his famous “ANSWER!” texts. I check my messages. He talks into my voicemail as if it’s an answering machine from 1987.
“Hello? Helllllooooo. Darcy! I know you hear this. Pick up. Pick up now. Darcy? It’s me damn it!” This can go on for several minutes. Could he possibly be the only person left to understand that voicemail is not on a speaker that echos through the living room?
Finally, when I am home, finished with my evening I text back.
“What?”
I didn’t wait for the response. I turned off my phone, I laid down, shut my eyes and zonked out.

The next day at 10 am my phone rings. It’s Robbie.
“Were you texting me for a booty call last night?” He sounds enraged.
“Huh?”
“You texted me pretty late.”
“I was asking you what you wanted. You called me about 23 times last night.”
“I know it was a booty call, and I have feelings too. You can’t just booty text me. I gotta go, I’m in the hospital and this isn’t an appropriate conversation.”
He hangs up on me. I laugh. Every time he mentions “the hospital” I lose complete faith in medicine.

A couple of hours later I am walking to an appointment when my phone rings again. It’s Robbie. I had a good 15 minutes to kill before my meeting so I figured I’d answer.
“So why were you calling me so many times the other night? What on earth could have been the emergency?” I asked.
“I was out with this girl, and I accidentally called her Darcy. She freaked out. I was trying to get you on the phone so you could explain to her that we are just friends.”
Damn. Sorry I missed that.”
“What’s up with this new guy you are seeing?”
“I like him. He’s actually awesome.”
“Did you have sex with him yet?”
“No.”
“Are you going to?”
“Possibly, one day.”
“WHAT? Over my dead body are you having sex with him. Did you see him naked??”
“Seriously Robbie…”
“I can’t take this. I feel sick.”
Whoa. Can we dial back to the beginning of this conversation? The original purpose of this call, where you were calling me to confirm to a girl you were dating that you and I are just friends?”
“I can’t talk to you. I can’t hear about you and this other guy.”
“You were calling me from a date!”
“It’s different. You broke up with me!”
Really? We had a breakup?
“Robbie…”
“You are naked with this guy? Naked?”
“Robbie, this is really unhealthy.”
“I just love you so much, but I screw it up because I have issues.”
You think?
“I have abandonment issues. I have a fear of abandonment so I do things to push people away. I also want to fuck everyone I see. It’s a problem.”
“You realize those are two completely different issues.”
“I know.”
“Whoever finally settles down with you is going to be a really lucky girl.” I don’t think he realized I was being facetious.
“So you are saying you don’t want to settle down with me?”
“I need to go. I’m at my appointment.”
I say goodbye. Another healthy conversation to write up for Darcy Dates.

Just tuning in? Robbie is a favorite character. To catch yourself up see: See: Meet Robbie’s FamilyMy Date With Robbie, Robbie Reunion, He’s Baaack,August 6, 2010, Channeling Demi July 6, 2010,The Robbie Report, June 23, 2010, Real Phone Calls From Real Men, June 14, 2010, Real Texts From Real Men May 27, 2010, and Real Voice Mail From Real Men, June 1, 2010.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. December 2, 2010 12:14 pm

    Sorry, Darcy, but I still love Robbie! He’s an adorable psycho!

    • December 2, 2010 3:51 pm

      He’s unreal. For everything I publish, there are a grillion things I don’t. There is so much more where that came from you have no idea! Or you may actually. He is everyones favorite, which is why I can’t cut him off completely!

  2. Keep Your Woman permalink
    December 28, 2010 12:38 pm

    Wow. He certainly makes for great blog fodder… also a GREAT example for any man out there, so that they know to behave in the exact opposite of this.

    • December 28, 2010 12:55 pm

      Ah yes, Robbie. He is everyone’s favorite character on here. He writes himself!

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