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High Stakes

December 9, 2010

I received a text from Alexis’ husband.
“I am setting you up with a really good friend of mine. I am giving him your number.”
“What? Who?”
“Just trust me.”
“Don’t give anyone my number.”
“Too late. I already did.”

Here is the thing; You have to know Alexis’ husband to understand how out of character this is. Not that he wanted to set me up. In fact, I would go as far as saying he has set me up with more people than anyone else I know. He is the Patti Stanger of my life, which if you knew him…is, well…hard to fathom. However…Alexis is the finder and the screener. She knows my taste, she knows what I will and won’t like. I would allow her to pick out my wedding dress without me even being there. Oh wait, she practically did (See: Bridal Skeletons In My Closet).

I call Alexis.
“Alexis? Who does Stedman want to set me up with?” (By the way, if you don’t know why I call him Stedman you must catch yourself up by reading: Jonathan, 47, Really Had A Girlfriend-. In short, Alexis is my Oprah, and I am her Gayle, which would make her husband, Stedman. Naturally.)
“I don’t know. He said it’s his good friend.”
“He doesn’t have any good friends.”
We laugh.
“He won’t tell me who it is and he gave him my number.”
“UGH. Ignore him. It’s probably one of the creepy freaks he plays cards with. Cowboy Johnny or Super Star Dave.”
“UGH. Tell him not to give my number to anyone.”
I text Stedman.
“Please don’t give my number to Carney Dave or Movie Star Henry.”
“It’s not Carney Dave or Movie Star Henry. It’s Cowboy Johnny and Super Star Dave.”
Like that makes a difference.

Later that evening Alexis calls me on speaker. Stedman is in the background.
“Who did you give Darcy’s number to?” She asked.
“Just trust me. She will love him. He is an actor.”
“An actor? I don’t date actors.”
“This is going to be the best date of your life Darcy.” Stedman says, with a determination i rarely see from him.
“You gave her number to Pete?” Alexis sounds repulsed.
“Ugh. Pete is not an actor. He’s an out of work loser.” She says.
“Wait a second, didn’t Pete go to jail?” I asked. Something about his name sounded familiar.
Stedman laughs.
“Yea, didn’t he go to jail??” Alexis chimes in.
All three of us laugh. Even though it’s not actually funny. Because this is my life.
“Beggars can’t be choosers Darcy.” He says.
“BEGGARS??” It’s terrible but I laugh even harder. So does Stedman. We have a good relationship and I know he is joking, which is the only reason I am laughing and not crying.
“She isn’t even looking to date. She is dating Leo.” Alexis takes my back like a best friend should.
“Yes. I am dating Leo.”
“The Brooklyn guy? Come on Darcy, he is the best catch!”
Something about this suddenly rings as fishy. Why did Stedman, a man of few to no words, have such a desperate interest in me taking a date with his creepy loser friend.
“Holy shit. Did you bet me in a poker match? Oh. My. Gd. Is that what this is about?” I asked with genuine concern.
“Did you bet Darcy in a poker match?? Why are you pushing this so hard?” Alexis knows I may be on to something.
“Yea. Something is not right here. Don’t give anyone my number and I know you bet me! You gambled me away in your friggin’ poker match. To an actor. An out of work actor. Who may or may not have gone to jail. Nice.”

You think I am kidding about the idea of using a date with me as a wager of some kind but this past summer my brother-in-law wagered me in a tennis match. If he lost, his friend could date me. And he did lose. Which is when I learned of this, since his friend tried to collect. At the risk of sounding like a feminist, maybe I should have a say in these things? I don’t know…maybe clear that with me first? Apparently single people are like cattle or handicrafts to married people. Fair trade goods of some kind.

The following day I receive I text from Stedman:
“Don’t worry. He isn’t calling you. I told him I found out you had herpes.”
“What?? HERPES!? I don’t have herpes!!!!!!??”
“I know, but i needed an excuse. It would have been rude for me to just tell him you aren’t interested.”
Is this really my life? How can I be sure? Is there an App I can download somewhere to check whether or not this is actually happening?


3 Comments leave one →
  1. December 9, 2010 11:51 am

    Too bad he’s an out-of-work actor, because this sounds like a great plot for a movie. Oh, wait….

    • December 9, 2010 1:31 pm

      sure, if I were engaged to him or even knew him! btw- never realized how close the plot of honeymoon in vegas was to indecent proposal until i read that link!

  2. Catherine permalink
    December 9, 2010 8:48 pm

    Omg Darcy this was hilarious. And I’m afraid you did sound a bit like a feminist there…. Better not burn your bra or anything or else there is no going back!!

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