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Robbie On Housekeeping

January 11, 2011

The other day Robbie e-mails me a picture he has taken of himself with his new phone. Luckily, this time, the picture was not of his penis.
As the image loads I notice something peculiar. Just then the phone rings. It’s him.
“Did you dye the front of your hair?” I ask.
“No.”
“Yes. I’m looking at the picture. Did you highlight it?”
“No. Why? It looks lighter?”
“Yes.”
“UGH. I have been bleaching my teeth and I think it gets in the front of my hair.”
Crickets. How would that possibly happen? Unless he does it standing on his head while drooling down the front of his face. Yuck.
“Darcy, I have this new ironing technique I learned. You soak your shirts, and then you hang them in your shower until they dry. It’s amazing.”
“You know that isn’t ironing right?”
“It is. They end up not having any wrinkles.”
Sure. If you are blind. And you like to wear hard shirts that have turned into shrinky dinks.
“Darcy, all I can think about is you and your boyfriend. I just keep thinking about you having sex with him.”
“I don’t think I want you thinking that. It feels invasive.”
“I can’t control myself.”
“Can you prescribe yourself some anti-anxiety meds for that?” I shudder at the idea of Robbie being able to write prescriptions.
“Please be my girlfriend. Please.”
“Robbie, that shipped has sailed. Or sunk. At this point it may even be some type of diving attraction complete with barnacles.”
“That’s rude Darcy. How can you say that to someone who loves you as much as I do.”
“The real question is how am I still in your calling rotation?”
“I have a shortcut to you now.”
“What does that mean? Is there a slide you can use to fall directly through my ceiling? If so I need to know. Right now.”
He laughs.
“You’re a moron. My new phone has this thing, where you can make someone a shortcut. You are on my top five speed dial list.”
“What does that mean?”
“I can call you quicker.”
“Is that even possible? How did I get on that list exactly?”
“Cause you are my angel, and I call you the most out of anyone.”
“Who else is on that list?”
“You, my mom, my brother, my best friend and my boss.”
“That is a pretty important list for me to be on. Do you think that’s appropriate?”
“Well, I love talking to you. You get my serotonin flowing.”
“Are you dating people? Like, when you aren’t stalking me?”
“Yea, but you are the mother of all girls, and I don’t mean that literally, because you are a mother, I mean it as a figure of speech because-”
“I get it.”
“Can I come over?”
“NO!”
“Sunday’s our night!”
“Our night? We don’t have a night.”
“Fine.”

Just tuning in? Robbie is a favorite character. To catch yourself up see: See: Hey Jealousy,  Meet Robbie’s FamilyMy Date With Robbie, Robbie Reunion, He’s Baaack,August 6, 2010, Channeling Demi July 6, 2010,The Robbie Report, June 23, 2010, Real Phone Calls From Real Men, June 14, 2010, Real Texts From Real Men May 27, 2010, and Real Voice Mail From Real Men, June 1, 2010.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. January 11, 2011 3:05 pm

    “Please be my girlfriend. Please.”

    See, that’s his problem right there. He’s just not begging hard enough.

    Come on, to really win someone over, ya gotta throw in some “pretty pleases” and “sugar on tops.”

    And if those don’t work, then you kidnap them and lock them in the basement for the rest of their lives.

    Sheesh. What an amateur.

  2. January 11, 2011 4:06 pm

    LOL Dennis. Really. It is amazing he hasn’t done that to me yet. Thank goodness!

  3. January 12, 2011 11:28 pm

    Argh! Now, thanks to Dennis, I’m worried he actually will lock you in a basement.
    “It rubs the lotion on its skin”
    Ew.
    Haha. Poor, crazy, jealous, mentally unstable doctor.

Trackbacks

  1. Robbie Reunion « Darcy Dates
  2. Eleven Missed Calls « Darcy Dates
  3. Robbie Gets Cocky « Darcy Dates
  4. Channeling Demi « Darcy Dates

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