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Nightmare On Boyfriend Street

January 21, 2011

I can’t sleep. I have been having nightmares. Bad ones. About Leo. It of course has nothing to do with Leo and everything to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend. There. I said it. Out loud.

“Hi, my name is Darcy. And I have a boyfriend.”
Hi Darcy.

It makes me sound like I am 14 years old doesn’t it? I don’t even recognize myself really. Here is the thing: My life for the past few years has been very compartmentalized. Bear is the main compartment. Then there is work. There are friends. There have been dates or people I was seeing. They don’t overlap with friends really. I keep them separate. But here is the thing, I actually want my friends to meet Leo. So, I guess, the compartment spillith over.

But the nightmares…are bad. They are heart stopping, wake up in the middle of the night, try to talk yourself awake so you get the dream out of your head completely, run into the other room to make sure Bear is safe and sound, lock the front door and consider deleting Leo from my phone bad. They are bad. bad.

I called Alexis the morning after one particularly bad one.
“I had another Nightmare about Leo. it was so scary I don’t even think I want to speak to him today.”
“You’re crazy. Gotta go.”
“Okay.”
I guess she was right. It is kind of crazy to hold a dream against someone. The problem is, it’s not about Leo. It’s about the idea of Leo.

The other night when Leo was sleeping next to me I examined his face looking for staples or a seam, maybe a zipper up his back so at any minute he could rip his face off and become a scary beast of some kind. But I found nothing. Only an ice hockey scar under his chin, which by the way, I think is super cute. It’s one of my favorite things about his face.

The problem is, the idea of a boyfriend just feels unfamiliar. It makes me feel vulnerable and out of control. I protect myself like a pit bull protects other pit bulls from Michael Vick. But with Leo, all that protection goes right out the window. I do stupid things like download special ringtones for him. And he has one for me. I might as well be walking around with a T-mobile sidekick in a mall in middle america somewhere, smacking my gum and wearing sweatpants with the word “pink” across my ass.

Over Christmas, I went to an island with Bear and my family. Leo and I downloaded Skype onto our respective computers so we can have some face time while I was away (See: a few lines up where I describe myself as a 14-year-old with a T-Mobile sidekick phone). But then I think about it, and think about all the things that can go terribly wrong. I think about all the what if’s. What if Leo is all wrong for me? What if I start wearing Pajama Jeans? What if I stop shaving my legs and I never get to wear a sequins mini again? What if I become frumpy and start to only wear flats? What if one day I can’t stand the way he chews? What if we lived together and he wanted a Raymour and Flanigan bedroom set and a black leather sectional?  What if I want to start collecting figurines and start needlepointing and drinking tea? What if I start liking crafts? What if we stopped having sex and started using words like companion and life partner? What if, what if, what if…what if???! But then I have to remind myself that what if’s can also be good sometimes. Right?

More on Leo? See: Under My Umbrella,  Deal Breakers, Songs About Darcy, What’s In A Name, and Hey Jealousy.

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17 Comments leave one →
  1. January 21, 2011 10:56 am

    Hey! I like crafts! =P There’s nothing wrong with crafts.

    Other than THAT, I can relate. I was introduced as a “girlfriend” and was like “huh?” and felt like I was thrown right back into puberty. It’s so freaking weird. And scary. And so I haven’t come out so completely boldly as you. Because I’m freaking petrified. And as long as I don’t name the beast…

    • January 21, 2011 11:19 am

      Just teasing. i like crafts too! It’s a running joke I have with myself on the blog. Isn’t it funny how that word, that you want to hear and long to hear can suddenly become scary! Love your comment. Thanks you!

  2. wendy steele permalink
    January 21, 2011 11:08 am

    I’d kill for a nice boyfriend like Leo! Relax and enjoy.

    • January 21, 2011 11:18 am

      I know! I am very very lucky!!! He is the best. really. As a divorced person though, these are the things you think about! Thanks so much for reading and I really appreciate your comment!

  3. Noah permalink
    January 21, 2011 12:51 pm

    “Nothing worth having comes without fear. ” – quote I heard or read somewhere or just made up

    • January 21, 2011 3:05 pm

      Love this Noah! Love. From here on out I will call you Mr. Miyagi! In all seriousness, that is an excellent quote. xo

  4. January 21, 2011 1:04 pm

    Trust your judgment as good enough to solve problems and it will encourage you to make choices. If you don’t make them, who will? This is not merely reacting, this is initiating an action on your own terms. It’s about realigning your expectations and then squelching the nagging voice in your mind that propels your self-doubt.

    • January 21, 2011 3:06 pm

      Very good advice. Thank you! I will work on this. Thank you for reading and thank you for your comment!

  5. David permalink
    January 21, 2011 6:16 pm

    What if you let fear push you into chasing away someone before you gave him a chance?
    What if you find out that being together becomes more important that the style of your furniture or clothes?
    What if you become comfortable enough with him to be willing to try new things?
    What if you miss out on all sorts of experiences because you were worried what other people might think?
    What if you discover how much you enjoy all these things that you used to regard as being improper or silly?
    What if he is a good male role model for Bear?

    What if he makes you happy?

    • January 21, 2011 8:19 pm

      Well said David. I am definitely joking about the clothes! But you are right. Sometimes fear does prevent people from giving things a chance. I used to just let go and go with my heart, but over time I have learned some lessons the hard way, so I am definitely look at things a bit closer now. This is excellent advice and well written. Thank you so much for reading and I loved your feedback!

  6. January 21, 2011 10:41 pm

    I think that it is scary. Your mind is a funny, funny thing. Even when nothing has happened, sometimes your mind plays tricks on you.

    Also, crafts are awesome 🙂

    • January 22, 2011 6:33 pm

      It does!! I agree re: crafts. I wrote to a comment below, it’s a running joke throughout my blog if you just started reading! Thank you so much for reading and thanks for your comment! Stay tuned!

  7. February 2, 2011 1:40 pm

    I totally feel you on this. Just don’t let the fears overcome you. My what ifs were more along the lines of … what if he hurts me? What if he cheats on me? Dear God what if he proposes to me someday (the thought of marriage is disgusting to me right now, well maybe not marriage but more of another engagement). The fears got to me, and the sadness I was feeling over my ex got to me, and I started subconciously tearing down the relationship I was in. Don’t do it!! Enjoy this time. Push the what ifs down. Live in the moment. Give yourself the freedom to not know everything that’s going to happen. It’ll turn out the way it’s supposed to.
    (of course, this is all easier said than done…)
    My favorite part of your post: “What if I start wearing Pajama Jeans?”
    I about fell out of my chair. Those commercials are hilarious.

    • February 2, 2011 2:54 pm

      Just as a side note, my friend and I have had an ongoing joke about pajama jeans for a few weeks. And I tried to order a pair yesterday as a joke… but they don’t ship to Canada. Whomp Whomp. No go for the pajama jeans 🙂

      • February 3, 2011 11:55 am

        I am so obsessed with them and the commercial. “Jeans leave unsightly marks.” Really?

    • February 3, 2011 11:57 am

      I usually have the what if he hurts me song playing in my head, but then, when I am sure he isn’t, I start to worry about “what if he is the wrong one for me.” I think it’s part of human nature, especially when you have been through some significant failed relationships. I too worry about the proposal! Ha! We need some therapy Catherine! At least we have the dresses right??? And don’t get me started about Pajama Jeans. They are my new obsession. Just the commercial really!

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