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A Visit From Robbie

February 3, 2011

Robbie found Leo. On Facebook. He sent him a friend request, and challenged him to a duel. I wish I was kidding, but sadly, I am not. A duel. I never realized Robbie’s close resemblance to Dwight Schrute. He also wrote “Stare into the face of your competition.” But who is keeping tabs? After that I had to de-friend Robbie. He was now disrupting my relationship and bothering Leo and it had to stop.

A day after the aforementioned duel invitation, I was driving with my mother and my cell phone rang. It was Robbie. In true Robbie fashion he called about 6 times. Between the ringing, and the GPS lady (See: My GPS Can Suck It), my nerves were wearing thin. I asked my mother to answer it (She doesn’t let me use the phone in the car. See: Driving With My Mom). I asked her to talk to him and to tell him to please leave me alone.

She picks up the phone and they quickly exchange pleasantries like they have known each other for years. She has sat through many awkward phone calls from Robbie on speakerphone in the car.
“Robbie, I am so sorry, but Darcy has a boyfriend now and you have to respect that.”
“With all due respect Ellen, Darcy is fair game and I will fight for your daughter.”
“I understand what you are saying, but maybe it’s time you give her some space Robbie.”
“No. I love your daughter, and I am never going to give up. It’s game on!” He hung up.
“What does ‘game on’ mean?” My mother asked me. I just shook my head. As far as I was concerned, there were no words.

A few weeks, a few hundred phone calls and a few hundred texts later, I am home and I receive yet another text from Robbie.
“I am coming to your house.”
“Don’t you dare. I will not let you upstairs.” I replied. And I had thought that was the end of it.
Less than an hour later I get a call from my doorman.
“Robbie is here?”
“He cannot come upstairs under any circumstances.”
“Okay.” My doorman hangs up. I am glad he is now privy to this unfolding unhealthy mini-drama.

My cell phone rings. It’s Robbie. His voice is echoing, which means he is now causing a scene in my lobby.
“How can you not let me up! I came all the way here!”
“I told you NOT to.”
“Darcy, this is bullshit! I have to talk to you. I have to tell you something!!!”
“Tell me over the phone then.”
“I want to tell you in person.”
“Why? So you can chop me up into little pieces and keep me in your freezer.”
“Real nice Darcy. Come on! Let me up!”
The screaming was escalating. I had no choice but to go downstairs to escort him out of my lobby.

I came downstairs and he is smiling like this is a normal meeting. Like he wasn’t stalking me or causing a scene with my doorman…if the police had him in cuffs he may not have even noticed.
“Oh Darcy you look so cute. Come here. Give me a hug.”
“Leave. Right now.”
I looked at Robbie. While he was adorable (in a crazy, restraining order kind of way), I suddenly remembered how young he was. It was like the scene in the movie Big, where his clothes get bigger and bigger as he walks away from her car and she realizes the whole time, he was just a little boy.
“I’m sorry. You have to go. I have a boyfriend. We tried it. It didn’t work Robbie. It’s time to move on.”
“I love you Darcy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“You don’t know me Robbie.”
“I have known you for almost a year.”
“You mean, you have stalked me for almost a year. That doesn’t count. Look it up! On Wikipedia. Stalking, does not a relationship make.”
He laughed.
“Can we just go to couples counseling together? Just once. Try it.”
This is sick, but I immediately thought what a good blog entry that would make. I picture the shrink to be sitting on the couch,
“So, what is the biggest issue in your relationship?” She would ask.
“I don’t know. Maybe that we aren’t actually in a relationship?” I would say. Robbie would be staring at himself in the mirror.

“Good night Robbie. I am going.”
“Please, just grab coffee with me on the corner.”
“Goodnight.”
I turned and walked back into my building. I avoided looking at my doorman in the eye. Now, not only did my doorman know I had a healthy vagina (See: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell), but he knew I had terrible taste in men.
To be continued

Catch up on everyone’s favorite character, Robbie: See: Robbie On Housekeeping, Hey Jealousy, Meet Robbie’s Family, My Date With Robbie, Robbie Reunion, He’s Baaack,August 6, 2010, Channeling Demi July 6, 2010,The Robbie Report, June 23, 2010, Real Phone Calls From Real Men, June 14, 2010, Real Texts From Real Men May 27, 2010, and Real Voice Mail From Real Men, June 1, 2010.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. February 6, 2011 4:42 am

    Leo should block him on Facebook so Robbie can’t search him or see anything he’s posted. I’m kind of scared for Leo’s life if he hasn’t blocked him already. Robbie could turn up at an event Leo has clicked “attending” on and “duel” him, most likely to the death.

    Seriously? Duel?! He probably already has his dueling gloves.

    • February 7, 2011 10:09 am

      Leo would like me to let you know he never accepts or RSVP’s to any type of Facebook invitations but I agree. I have asked him to block him. He isn’t concerned, but it flattered that you are :). The word duel is per se funny.

      • February 8, 2011 2:05 am

        Well that is reassuring. Leo should at least put his profile on the super private settings so people who aren’t friends can’t see anything about them.

        lol. Duel.

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