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The Green Thumbs Down

September 26, 2011

A guy I don't know, Via: the internet

Flowers…are awkward. No. Wait. Let me re-phrase. I love flowers. I love getting them. I love having them. I love seeing them. I love smelling them. I am beyond grateful when someone sends them. I love when my doorman lets me know someone has sent me flowers. This is a very exciting moment. I don’t even wait until I get into the elevator to rip open the card. I once had a boyfriend who would send me flowers from one of the best flower shops in New York City a few times a month for over a year. I never tired of the delivery and would oooh and ahhh with Bear’s babysitter as they arrived. Each arrangement nicer than the one before (By the way, this is an entry unto itself that I never published, but will get around to it soon. I promise. Kind of).

I love when my mailroom at work alerts me that I have flowers and I proudly carry them through my office, to my desk, as though I have just won an oscar. An oscar from FTD. Which then takes up 3/4 of my desk and I have to spend the rest of the week having to entertain annoying chit-chat as to who sent me the flowers and why. So maybe I’m actually undecided on the work flowers. There is always the one woman in the office who likes to remind me that I don’t have enough natural light at my desk and that my orchid will die.
“It’s fine”, I’d say, as I’d watch my orchid die a slow death with each passing day, hanging my head in shame for the high ratio of flourescent overhead light in my corner.
That’s when I’d curse myself for not being more successful. If I were I’d have natural light at my desk from the window overlooking the park and my orchids would live. Plus I wouldn’t have to sit near Miss evil eye in the tight wrap dress.
You know what, now that I talked it out,  just scratch the work flowers. They are too stressful now that I think about it.

But back to the awkwardness of flowers. There are several types of awkward flowers and today I will address three of them. While I am not writing much about my dating life lately, I am watching lots of reality TV. What I have noticed, is that when people on dating shows go out to dinner, particularly if it’s a reality show, for reasons I can not explain the man will often bring the woman a bouquet of flowers along on the date. I advise against it.
“But it’s romantic!”, some of you may cry.
Is it though? Is it romantic to get dressed up, put on a pair of your favorite heels, and then have to carry what is basically an awkward bush, wrapped in loud crinkly cellophane as you walk around? Is it convenient to place said botanus extravaganza on the table while you eat? Staring at them, watching them wilt, wondering if they are going to die, as they will not see water for at least 5 hours? Is there any way a girl can walk with a bouquet, other than at her wedding and not look like a sherpa? No. There isn’t. It’s cumbersome and trust me guys, just send them to her door when you are not around. Only, of course, if she has given you her address. Not like this guy: No Gifts Please. It will make her day and you will spare her those moments when she doesn’t know just how many times she is supposed to say thank you as she carries them from venue to venue throughout the evening.

The next type of awkward flower is the single rose. Okay. In general, I am not a rose girl. I like ranunculus, peonies, and snap dragons. Back to the roses for a second, if you are sending them, I am loving them. But a single red rose, in an awkward plastic container…I just don’t get it. It’s usually coupled with a cheap white carney teddy bear of some kind. Teddy bear or not, the single rose is just…well, what is it? Then you have to walk in the street holding the single rose. It screams “we were harassed by a street carney and forced into buying an awkward rose.” By the way, if it’s coupled with baby’s breath, that’s even worse. For the record guys, if a flower is descriptive of anyone’s breath, even a baby, and I happen to love babies, steer clear. Just a tip. A random one, but a good one at that.

Finally, we conclude this rant with the corsage. A girl spends her time trying to find the perfect prom dress. She wants a specific color, she wants to wear the perfect shoes. She will most likely have her hair done, sometimes her makeup, unless you were me. She is standing there looking the best she probably thinks she has looked since the day she was born and then you present her with a branch to strap on her arm. It sometimes goes from the wrist to the elbow adorned with ribbon. She wants to strut to the car, but the branch…it’s weighing her down. Sometimes you pin them to the dress. But they don’t want a hole in their dress. By the way, I haven’t been to a prom in almost 20 years. Well, in 3 years it will be 20 years. I don’t even know if people wear a corsage anymore. if they don’t, discard this last paragraph completely and feel free to comment that I am old and outdated. I know Alexis (See: Jonathan, 47, Really Had a Girlfriend) will.

To summarize: Flowers yes, send being the operative word, skip the office unless she is successful enough to have her own window, definitely not at a restaurant, corsages are for old people who haven’t been to a prom in 20 years. And scene.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 26, 2011 9:40 am

    The irony is the people I would have died to receive flowers from, never sent them. It was the people I was so-so about that sent them. Roses are nice. But Iove tulips. Love them!

    • September 26, 2011 10:36 am

      The truth is I am thankful for any and all flowers. The post was more in good fun. Hang in there! One day one of the right guys will send you flowers!

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