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General Hospital

January 9, 2012

Nothing sexier than Uggs with hospital garb

I was sick. Really sick. I had a virus. The flu. Whatever it was, I was ill. So ill in fact, I needed to go into the hospital to get rehydrated. (Yes, I mentioned this in my previous entry, but I figured I could continue writing about it. Hope you don’t mind.)

I was lying in a bed in the ER, an IV of fluid dangling from my arm, my hair tied into one gigantic rats nest and I may have been any number of shades of green. My mother stood by my side nervously.

The Doctor on call spoke to me for a bit about my symptoms and ordered a few tests. When he walked away my mother asked me,
“Why didn’t you ask him if he knew anyone?”
“What?” I said, barely able to respond.
“Like any single friends for you?”
“I did.”
“I didn’t hear you.”
“That’s because of course I didn’t. I am lying here looking the worst I have looked in I don’t know long. He was asking me how many times I vomited over the past 24 hours and I had to describe what it looked like. Should I have thrown in I also like Pearl Jam, long walks on the beach, and candle-lit dinners?”
She laughed. “Well, you never know.”
“Do you think there was any shot he was going to run home to his friends and say I saw the hottest chick today. She was listless. She almost threw up on me. I don’t know that she has showered for days. Don’t miss out on this incredible opportunity.”
Beat.
“Come on Mom. Really?”
She laughed. We both did. Hysterically. But out of the corner of my eye I saw her trolling the emergency room for other single doctors.

When I got home that night she stayed in my apartment to help me out. I was awoken at 6 am to a very faint sound. It sounded like paper. Being ripped. Slowly. Wait. That sound was…familiar. But no, it couldn’t be. But it had to be.
“Mom? Are you opening my mail?” I called from my bed.
“I am organizing it.” She called back from the living room.
Crickets.

Mom, I know you are reading this. Thanks for everything! Thanks for helping me out and being the best mother ever. And of course, giving me the best material!

More on my mom? She is one of everyone’s favorite characters! See: Real Texts From My Mom, As Long As You’re Happy, My Mom The Stalker, Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match…That is Alive, My Mother, My Pimp, Sugar and Spice and All Things Technological, Moving and Shaking, Driving with My Mom.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 15, 2012 5:44 am

    A mom that looks for dates while you’re in the hospital. She’s my kinda mom!

    • January 15, 2012 11:23 am

      Oh yes. The lady can get me dates anywhere! You he read the past entries on her 😉 she’s the best!

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