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Eleven Missed Calls

February 8, 2012

Eleven missed calls can only mean one person...

The other day I logged onto Facebook to see a guy I dated post divorce just had a baby. He had 3 kids from his first marriage. This was his fourth. Way to hog all the children, I think to myself right before writing “Congratulations!” underneath the picture. The truth is I was happy for him. Afterall, I didn’t want to date him. But I was happy someone else did. He was super nice, super funny…but just not for me.

This is not the first person I have dated post divorce who went on to get married and have children. In fact, several people I have gone on dates with have gone on to get married. At the time, they had told me they were looking for that. I was honest when I told them I just wasn’t sure.

I would be lying if I said seeing the men I have dated, and passed on, go on to get married and have more children didn’t register on some level. I am the first to admit I don’t necessarily pick the right men to fall for (See: Mr. Wrong Right Now). Although I am getting better. Kind of?

But there was one man. One man in particular that really threw me. Are you ready? Because I was not. Yup. Robbie. Even Robbie…had a girlfriend. A real one. His facebook relationship status is now set to “In a relationship with” and has the girls actual name. Which means she agreed to the relationship and went as far as confirming it on Facebook, which as you know gives it major credibility.  He had been telling me he had a girlfriend for quite some time, but I didn’t believe him. Afterall, how could it possibly be true. I thought it was a woman he paid, or locked in his basement. Maybe he was referring to his mother. (See: Meet Robbie’s Family). But the other day when I was on Facebook a picture of Robbie came up in my newsfeed. A picture of him…and his girlfriend. For the first time ever I was curious about Robbie’s life and clicked onto his actual page. There it was. Robbie was listed as being in a relationship with said girl. I…was speechless. I hadn’t been hearing from him at all. Well I had. I would see his name come up on my caller ID from time to time. But it would only happen once, I wouldn’t answer. And then he would vanish. This isn’t the Robbie we all knew. Who called me upwards of 9 times a day for a year and a half.

About a month ago he called me and I decided to answer it. I told him I was really proud of him for being in a relationship with a girl that looked, at least from the outside, completely normal. Pretty even. He told me he loved her and she was the best. I was shocked, but proud. Slightly confused, but proud.
“I make love to her Darcy.”
“That’s. Awesome.”
“She wants to marry me and have babies with me. I don’t know what to do.”
“Do it! You are a man now (huh?), and you seem to love her. And she loves you too.”
“I don’t know. I do make hot, sweet love to her.” (I will spare you the details of what he really said)
“That’s great. I am very happy for you.”
“You want be in a threesome with us?”
“What?”
“A threesome? You want in? Cause i’d like to make hot sweet love to you too.”
“No. I’m good. Thanks.”

He hung up on me, angry as always. He didn’t resurface for at least a week. Checking in, of course, to see whether or not I wanted to have a threesome. He even offered up “making sweet love” to just him.
“But don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“Fine. Goodbye.”

The calls grew more frequent. And, I can’t even believe I am going to admit this, but when I was very sick…I…called Robbie…(oh gd. Hanging my head in shame.) for medical advice. There. I said it. I know. Yikes. He was surprisingly sweet and sensitive. Checking on me regularly. Telling me that if I wanted to get better I needed to drink mass amounts of Gatorade…and masturbate. I know, I know. My own fault for asking him.

The other night I was in bed and I looked at my phone. I had eleven missed calls. That could only mean one thing. Yep. I was right. Robbie. Feeling exceptionally bored, Bear was asleep and there was nothing on TV as all my regular run of the mill trashy shows were on winter break, I called him back.
“I’m bored with fucking my girlfriend.” He said as he answered the phone.
“No. No. Don’t say that.”
“I am. I gotta fuck Darcy. Lots of women.”
“You listen to me. You somehow found a very attractive girl and tricked her into thinking you are sane. You be good to her. You understand?”
“I can’t. I can’t be with her anymore.”
“Why?”
“I just can’t. I need to be with tons of women.”
“But tons of women don’t want to be with you.”
“Darcy. I can’t. I don’t think we are sexually compatible. She doesn’t like the things I like in bed.”
Oh boy. He started to go into details of what that meant. I wanted to mute the phone, but it wouldn’t help me much, cause I would still be able to hear him.
“Robbie. Please. Trust me. You found a good girl. Who you care about. I think. Please hang in there. Maybe it will pass.”
“Do you want to date me?”
“No.”
“Fine.”
And just like that, he hung up on me. As always. But don’t worry. He called back.

If you aren’t familiar with Robbie, you MUST catch up! He is everyone’s favorite character! (See: Channeling Demi, Robbie Reunion, The Robbie Report, He’s Baaack, My Date With Robbie, Robbie.com, Hey Jealousy, A Visit From Robbie  , A Diamond is Forever and So Is Robbie,  Advice From My Doorman, Robbie On Housekeeping, Real Calls From Real Men Meet Robbie’s Family.)

Have you “liked” Darcy Dates on Facebook? If not please join the Darcy Dates Facebook page! And don’t forget to follow Darcy on Twitter @darcydates

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. February 8, 2012 3:18 pm

    “But tons of women don’t want to be with you.”

    Love this line and how he just plows ahead anyway. Oh man, now I have to go back and read up on this joker instead of being productive today. Thanks a bunch Darcy.

    • February 8, 2012 3:46 pm

      Oh boy. Seems you have just discovered Robbie. Worth reading all those links. He is everyones favorite. And he’s so crazy I actually have a little crazy crush on him. But I think after reading you will too.

  2. February 8, 2012 4:26 pm

    Ok, I’m caught up and I think you two kids are perfect for each other!

  3. David Molnar (@ErieDavid) permalink
    February 8, 2012 7:21 pm

    I would be shamefully interested in witnessing the argument that ensues when Robbie’s girlfriend picks up his phone and sees that he’s called you a hundred times in a week.

    • February 9, 2012 11:44 am

      I would be shamefully interested in witnessing what their relationship looks like. Period.

  4. February 12, 2012 11:50 am

    Oh, this is so sad it’s actually hilarious. I don’t know whether to feel sorry or Robbie or be repulsed by him. I give you huge kudos for dealing with him so charmingly. And by the way, just about every guy I date ends up getting married within a year of my dating him. I made a joke once to a guy I was in a relationship with. “You know,” I said, “dating me is like taking a pill that will guarantee you a wife. It just won’t be me.” We broke up a month later and he married the next girl he dated. What can I say, it’s a special kind of magic. Sometimes I wonder if some of us girls unknowingly train men to make them better, but they don’t figure it out until after they’ve moved on. At least that’s what I tell myself 😉

    • February 13, 2012 4:23 pm

      Don’t be repulsed by him. We all love him over here. But that shows you how dysfunctional we are! Isn’t that funny about the getting married? Maybe we can start a business renting ourselves out as good luck charms?

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